“Benefits of Anticipatory Grief” by Janet Frishberg

Henri Regnault (Benefits of Anticipatory Grief)
Mme. Mazois (The Artist’s Great Aunt on Her Deathbed) by Henri Regnault, 1886

I’ve forgotten my voice waiting for her to die. I came to say goodbye but I don’t believe it’s time yet and neither does she.

Six days ago in San Francisco, my friend Audra invited me over to eat chili. She stirred the soup in her narrow, steamy kitchen. I told her my grandma was sick but I didn’t have a way to get to her in LA. Saying it out loud to Audra, it didn’t feel real. It just felt like a story I was telling while we waited for the beans to soften and the spices to soak in.

“Take my car,” she said.

“No…” It was too generous, easy.

“Yeah. If the only reason you’re not going is because of a car, you should take mine.”

“How’ll you get to work?”

“I’ll take the train; I’ll figure it out. This is important.”

“Okay. How about…I’ll let you know if I can’t find anything else.” I leaned on her counter top. “Thank you so much for even offering.”

“You should take it. This is really important.”

Which is how I came to understand it was actually happening, and came to be driving Audra’s white Jetta down to West Hollywood. How I came to be standing in the doorway of my grandma’s room.

Almost all her furniture had been removed or rearranged. The master bedroom looked huge without their king-sized bed. As a child, I’d wake up in the guest room from nightmares about people trying to murder me. I’d tiptoe into their room and crawl into bed between them so I could fall asleep again among their snoring, squishy bodies.

It’s been almost three months since she’s stopped eating—claiming nausea and that nothing tastes good. Now, I sit beside her new hospital-style bed, while she drifts in and out of sleep all day. I try to stay busy while she sleeps; I knit or write or read. I catch up on This American Life.

Once it’s dark outside, she wakes up and we talk. She says things like, “You make my heart sing,” and when she has the strength, she likes to yell, “Ah!” and then shout, almost angrily, “You are so beautiful!” She complains about which appliances in her life are breaking, and who isn’t calling her the way she wants them to, and she likes to gossip about our family.

We’re the same people as before. Nothing about her or me has gotten inherently wiser just because she’s dying.

So instead, we discuss the green and golden afghan she’s not sure she can finish. She teaches me the stitch: knit two pearl two in a row with a number of stitches that’s divisible by two but not by four. She cries and covers her face with her wrinkled-skin hands, and I lean over the bars of the bed and drape my arms over her lap and say, “I don’t care that we’re just sitting here. That’s all I want to do. This is all I came down here to do.”

In early morning, I sort her pills for her, rolling their smooth gel casings between my fingertips, and when I crack eggs for lunch later, wonder if traces of morphine remain, and lick my skin just in case.

After approximately sixty-three hours in the house, I stand in the bathroom. There’s a three-foot long mirror on the wall that I’ve been looking in since I was a little girl and stayed with her for weeks at a time. It’s possible I haven’t showered since I got here. I pull off my smelly gray sweatshirt, stare at my naked chest, yellow in the mirror. I’m trying to remember how to breathe fully into it.

This is not the first death. There was my namesake grandma before I was born, and the grandpas, one in high school and the other in college. There was the sudden death at 17 that sent me to the bathroom floor sobbing: a boy I loved who jumped into the water. These deaths were important and also different—they were a phone call. They were a surprise, a punch in the stomach. Sometimes they’ve taken me years to believe in—he’s actually gone. I am glad now for the slow build of her dying. Her dying has been in the background for months now, like putting the teakettle on the electric burner and listening for its steam to build to a whistle.

But, nobody instructed me: when sitting with the dying, you must be very careful not to get caught inside the land of the dying.

I walk down the wooden hallway to the kitchen, telling myself to stop sneaking slices of banana bread covered in butter. My uncle, who lives with her, or she lives with him they like to say, gets home from his girlfriend’s place. He makes me leave the house with him to pick up sushi from around the corner. We walk through the streets, along with the gays and tourists. This is part of what she loves about the neighborhood. I carry the meal home in its Russian nesting dolls of plastic inside plastic.

I sit at what we call the “real” table, drawing thick slabs of pink sashimi into my mouth. I’m afraid of concentrating too hard on this raw fish flesh. I don’t want to remember the lamp light on her emaciated cheeks three minutes ago, when I fed her a bite of hamachi, the first food she’d accepted all day.

I felt triumphant, watching her swallow, and thought, that should solve it. She used to tell me, when I untangled a necklace or fixed her phone, “You’re magic, Janet.” I picked up a second bite with the chopsticks but she closed her mouth and shook her head at me, like a contrary toddler. She’s getting more beautiful in her starvation, except for the sunken places where her dentures and right-breast prosthesis should sit.

While eating, I try instead to see what’s physically real: the living room in front of me, where I sleep when visiting. White couches, masks from countries they visited all over the walls, my stuff an explosion of clothes in one corner. Not knowing what to bring, I brought too much.

I want to get farther away than the living room—for this, a car is needed. I drive down Sunset and turn left, towards the canyon, leaving the crowds behind me like an exhale. The flammable beige and green plants on each side of my car are familiar. The windows are up. I like the closed container of the car.

I connect my phone to the sound system and turn on music, try singing, just to hear my own voice. I almost lost it from all the yelling to be heard through her hearing aids, or worse, without her hearing aids.

I don’t want to think about ten minutes ago when I stood by her bedside, my shadow falling sideways in the lamp light, and told her, “I’m leaving for a few hours.”

“Where? Where are you going?” she protested.

“I’m going to yoga with Sonia.” She loves Sonia, my friend from college, because Sonia is beautiful and talented and listens.

“Sonia? Now?”

“Yes.”

She started crying, moaning, “I guess I have no choice do I?”

I can, in the car’s silence, scream words I gulped down—because I didn’t want a fight, because all day I checked to make sure she was still breathing, like a baby—which were: this is why it’s so hard to visit you, and: you make me want to lie to you.

I once thought this city was soulless but I know now, the green, the canyon; I was wrong. Here is just anywhere, but with more expensive cars.

I thought I should move my body into downward dog or maybe warrior one, but I got lost in the canyon’s turns, in not-thinking about what if she dies while I’m gone out of spite.

Five minutes late, they’ve locked the studio door on me. Sonia arrived on time and is inside, without her phone. I climb back into the car, waiting for the class to end so Sonia, her boyfriend, and I can have dinner. Trying to remember what else people do besides sit and watch the wheezing inhales of the person who probably loves them most.

I turn up the music, skipping through songs that feel wrong right now. Nothing too sad, or too happy. I want purgatory music. I roll the windows down. When my phone rings with an unknown number, I answer, hopefully, wishing it’s either God or an old friend calling to say, “I was thinking of you.”

It’s a volunteer: “Phone banking for the Dems, just making sure you’ll vote no on Prop 32!”

She did things like this for the Democratic Party when she was younger, better at using the phone.

“I already sent in my absentee ballot. I voted no. Thank you. Thank you for what you’re doing. Okay. Okay, bye.”

That twice thank you—I wanted her to like me. I wanted the phone banker to be a sage and stop her script to transmit wisdom, or maybe comfort me. To say, “Are you okay, Janet? You sound sad,” and, on the phone with her, I’d be able to cry, the way I haven’t been able to by myself yet, but this isn’t a movie, so we just hung up.

It’s becoming early evening. I watch the middle-aged women taking walks around the block with their dogs, jealous of their commitment and consistency.

I drove forty-five minutes here for some spiritual guidance and all there is now are car sounds coming in through the open windows: a screech of tires, honk of horn, smell of cigarettes and flash of expired parking meter. There’s nothing for me to do but sit and wait for the yoga class to end. After a brief gap of silence in the music, I’m shuffled my dead friend’s song, recorded for me in high school—next month he will have been dead seven years—and I let it play, resting my dry hands on the bottom of the steering wheel, and I listen.

 

 

Janet Frishberg lives and writes in a light blue room in San Francisco. She’s currently editing her first book, a memoir. You can find her work in Literary Orphans, Cease, Cows, sparkle & blink, the SF Chronicle, and soon in The Rufous City Review and Black Heart Magazine. You can find her @jfrishberg

This essay first appeared in Verity La.

“Wunnerful, Wunnerful, Fabulous” by Ann Hillesland

renoir (Wunnerful)
Dance in the City by Pierre Auguste Renoir, 1883

When I was seven, I dreamed of being on The Lawrence Welk Show.  Every Saturday night, my family would eat dinner around the television, the only night we were allowed to have it on during dinner. I’d be riveted, watching Myron Florin’s accordion flash, the imperviously smiling Bobby and Cissy twirl across the dance floor, and Norma Zimmer, blonde hair artistically poofed, warble “When the Swallows Come Back to Capistrano.”  As the youngest of six, I never rated a spot on the couch. Instead I sat on the floor with my taco or slice of homemade pizza and a Pepsi instead of the usual milk.  Dapper Lawrence Welk would wave his conductor’s baton as the orchestra played amid a swirl of bubbles, declaring his trademark “Wunnerful, wunnerful!”

I had no idea that I was idolizing the squarest show on television in 1972. Though I enjoyed the antics of Laugh In, I always felt hyper and drained afterwards. And though I watched Sonny & Cher and loved belting out “Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves” I could never imagine wearing Cher’s navel-baring outfits, nor did I want to be as mean as she was, always putting down Sonny. In contrast, everyone was smiling on the The Lawrence Welk Show.  The women’s wide-collared shirts, puff-sleeved dresses, and pleated jumpers could have come out of my own closet. I could see myself kicking down a prop fence during “Don’t Fence Me In” and singing “Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)” without embarrassment.

The one cast member I emulated above all was Sandi. I envied her marvelous cheekbones and flowing red hair. I was round-faced, my dirty blonde hair always ragged because I habitually fell asleep with gum in my mouth and my mother had to cut out the hardened blobs. Sandi looked perfect, smiling, calm. She mostly sang as part of a trio:  Sandi, Gail, and Mary Lou. Together they harmonized to “Swinging on a Star,” dressing up in flowing-sleeved evening gowns and leaning together close as sisters as their voices blended sweetly.

My family sang together, especially when we were camping and had no TV or other music (my parents forbade radios and cassette players during camping). We sang folk songs, John Denver, songs from musicals. The older kids harmonized, but I always sang melody, too young to sing a part and too convinced that I should be the star and have the melody anyway. After all, someday I was going to be on television, singing in front of the orchestra while gossamer bubbles floated behind me.

Eventually I outgrew The Lawrence Welk Show. He was an old man in white shoes, and no matter how flashy the silver was, an accordion was not hip. Even the ads were awful, touting Geritol and Rose Milk, the hand lotion my grandmother used. By high school I worshiped Deborah Harry and Pat Benatar. But I never pictured myself in a catsuit in front of a rock band. Instead, I sang in the school chorale and the chorus of “Oklahoma,” and tried—and failed, due to my terrible dancing—to make it into the school singing and dancing group, the Thor Throats (the school mascot was the Vikings).

After I graduated from college, I stopped singing except in the car or shower. I got a job, got married. A few years ago, though, deciding I missed singing, I joined the JewelTones, ten women who dress up in wide-shouldered 40’s outfits or glamorous long dresses and harmonize on songs from the 40’s and 50’s. Our official name is the JewelTones, but we call ourselves the Fabulous JewelTones because, well, why not?

Recently, we sang for a 50th wedding anniversary party in a Methodist church social hall, which had a stage at one end and a basketball hoop at the other. The woman’s wedding dress, displayed on a mannequin and smelling of mothballs, crowded us on stage left. In the unseasonably hot night, all the doors were thrown open, and people scooted their chairs to see us better from the round tables. The audience was mostly elderly, with a few bored-looking grandchildren thrown in. We started the show with “If I Knew You Were Comin’ I’d’ve Baked a Cake,” which features many short solos, and when I stepped forward to sing my solo, I concentrated on a white-haired lady near the back who was mouthing the words. Every 90th birthday party, retirement home, or “fun after 50” group has a few people who know all the words, maybe singers themselves who idolized Doris Day or Bing Crosby. The crowd laughed at our schtick, at the silly hula dance in “Makin’ Love Ukulele Style,” at the moment when our (male) pianist donned a dress and added his baritone to “Sisters.”

As I was swinging my arm in our synchronized train motions during “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” it struck me—I was in the Lawrence Welk show. I was wearing a long red dress, on stage with other women in long red dresses. Our emcee bantered between songs as we got props: a suitcase for a train ride, a feather boa for vamping it up. No prop fences or haystacks, but we do our best with what we can carry. We smile all the time and sound as sweet together as Sandi, Gail, and Mary Lou. Who cares if we’re not hip? Who cares if our most fervent supporters take Centrum Silver? We weren’t on television, but when the anniversary couple came back stage and said our show was everything they’d hoped it would be, I felt as good as Sandi must have felt.

One of the JewelTones has a bubble machine she wants us to use as a prop. Her idea is a silly version of “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles,” but maybe I should propose that old Lawrence Welk closer “Adios, Au Revior, Auf Wiedersehen.” We could sing “Here’s a wish and prayer that every dream comes true” while the bubbles cascade behind us and the lights dazzle our rhinestones into diamonds.

 

 

Ann Hillesland’s work has been published or is forthcoming in literary journals including Fourth Genre, The Los Angeles Review, Monkeybicycle, Open City, Prick of the Spindle, and SmokeLong Quarterly, and has been selected for the Wigleaf Top 50 Very Short Fictions 2012. She is a graduate of the MFA program at Queen’s University of Charlotte.

“Ghosts” by Lonette Stayton

George-Catlin-(Ghosts)
American Indian by George Catlin, circa 1840

Westwood was built, according to folklore, on top of Indian burial grounds. I never found an arrowhead when excavating the driveway of our home, the broken bits and pieces strewn here and there as I pretended to be on a grand adventure for National Geographic, but I trusted the elders of the neighborhood who talked of ghosts and objects disappearing. I wanted to see a ghost–just once, a barely-there specter that whispered secrets to me and me alone. And though I never got to hear anything go bump in the night, I’m no less the believer.

I lived with ghosts of a different sort.

Westwood was a suburb in South Memphis where hardworking, middle-class whites lived before the white flight of the early seventies. When I was born in ’74, there were no whites in my neighborhood, just hardworking, barely middle-class blacks earning a living and proudly proclaiming a plot of earth as their own.

Despite my grandmother’s disapproval, my parents bought their three bedrooms, one bath home on Lillian Drive in Westwood shortly after my birth. My grandmother, Big Momma, was sure that her daughter-in-law was going to mire her son in debt. Daddy’s job as a warehouse worker with the VA Hospital and Momma’s job as a manicurist was enough to keep their little family afloat.

Momma planted pink azalea bushes and golden burning bushes in the flower bed in front of the living room windows. The new sofa, purchased on credit, was preserved in plastic. The faint smell of bleach clung to the air, testifying to the cleanliness of the home. Years later, this house appears often in my dreams.

Momma’s mission to create the perfect home didn’t erase the trauma of her loss. How do you survive ghosts? How do you continue on despite the constant reminders of what was lost? Once, when Momma suffered from one of her dark spells, she told me what happened in Germany. This was one of the few times she ever discussed my older sister, Angela. She told me Daddy came home to the Army base where they were stationed to a trail of blood that led from the front door to the bedroom. “The coffin was so tiny,” she said, her eyes gazing at something I couldn’t see. I asked where the miscarried infant was buried, but she mumbled something low and waved her left hand, dismissing the question. I didn’t ask again.

The twin boys were born six months too early, their tiny lungs undeveloped and unready for this world. I found a photograph of Momma round with pregnancy, a black and white checkered maternity blouse floating about her as she appeared to be opening gifts.

“Momma, were you pregnant with me?” I asked when I found the photo. Framed baby pictures and photo albums that chronicled my progression into childhood graced end tables, but this photograph I had not seen.

“No, baby. I was pregnant with the twins.” This was the first time I heard of yet another birth, more siblings who did not live to be a part of my family. As a five or six year old, my concept of death was still murky, but I was sure that they were still there in the home with us. I knew Momma was haunted when she had her sadness and didn’t feel well enough to drive me to school. When she said no to swimming lessons and no to playing at friends’ houses, it was because the specters of my older siblings lurked about, reminding her of how lucky she was to have a living daughter, and that life could be taken away from her in a second.

For Momma, the dead lingered.

The Chickasaw, who occupied the land that became Memphis long before the whites and the blacks, had their own way of dealing with their dead. The Indians discharged guns and whooped to drive the ghosts of dead men away. After the souls were induced to leave the neighborhood of their living relatives, they traveled westward, passed under the sky, and proceeded upward to the land of The One Above or the Breath Holder, their ancient idea of heaven. The name “spirits road” was given to the Milky Way that was regarded as the trail upon which souls ascended.

I imagine my adult self returning to the three-bedroom home on Lillian Drive with my own rifle, discharging it over and over again, startling the occupants of my childhood home. One, two, three, the spirits of what would have become my older sister Angela, and my older twin brothers, Sean and Shane, would flee from this place, would stop haunting my mother with images of what they would have looked like at age seven, celebrating a birthday party, or at age sixteen, asking for the keys to the car. There would be no more crying spells and days where Momma couldn’t rise from bed and bathe herself, her usually immaculate hair mussed. I can see Angela, Sean, and Shane slipping and sliding upward on the Milky Way, gurgling their baby gurgles, fists flying, hospital blankets floating around them, as they are taken into the arms of The One Above.

I, too, would be free, free to roam beyond the only yard with a fence in the neighborhood. I would have childhood stories of biking through the meandering streets, stopping by the candy lady’s house around the corner, and purchasing dill pickles with peppermint sticks stuck in the middle of them. I could tell my future children about climbing Keisha’s huge oak tree and double dutching with Cookie and Kim three houses down. I would have memories of scraped knees, banged elbows, and numerous crushes.

Instead, Angela, Sean, and Shane refused to travel westward. These spirits, because of the ferocity and viciousness of my mother’s love, vexed me. They occupied my mother’s space, prevented her from playing dolls with me. They caused her to say no when I asked if she could take me to the movies, to parties, to the Girl Scouts meetings.

I have few memories of her without glazed eyes, hunched shoulders.

The front yard had a deep rut that circled the front yard, made by my bike because I wasn’t allowed to leave the lawn.

“B, why get her a bike if she can’t use it?” my Dad asked.

“She can ride it in the yard!” was Momma’s terse reply.

I never got to see the interior of the candy lady’s home, the little old lady who supplemented her social security checks with candy sales to neighborhood children. I had to ask Keisha next door to bring back a dill pickle, bribing her by not asking for my change when she returned. Waiting for Keisha at the gate, my fingers entwined within the chain-link fence, the image of five or six children running away from my yard, became a recurring theme. Left behind. Forgotten.

A few times I was allowed to play at Keisha’s since she was right next door, but not often. And I remember Cookie and Kim coming to the house with chocolate chip goodies, presumably to share. I don’t know what Momma told them, but I watched them walk down the street with their cookies from my barred bedroom window.

The only time I went beyond the Westwood border was when I attended a school in my grandmother’s neighborhood. To prevent me from becoming a latch key kid, I attended school across town where I could walk to Granny’s after school. There no one knew I couldn’t leave the yard. Alton Elementary was out of reach of the spirits.

Years later, I see the frightened woman who attempted to keep her household together with plastic and bleach. There was nothing to keep the uncertainty of the world away except for a chain-link fence and vigilance. My younger self deeply resented Momma and wished I could have experienced a childhood of freedom. There is still anger, yes, but anger dulled with understanding. Now that I’m thirty-eight and attempting to start a family, I wonder how my mother survived the haunting of her miscarriage and her premature twin boys. I long to forgive the borders and boundaries of my childhood, the intense loneliness and isolation of my youth. I long to forgive, because I may soon be protecting a child of my own.

Sometimes I drive past the house on Lillian. The driveway is now paved, the carport is now a garage, and the azaleas are long gone. Even though I longed to escape its front yard, I’m still drawn to the house every so often, slowing down so I can gaze at my childhood home.

 

 

Lonette Stayton is currently an MFA student at the University of Memphis. She is working on her thesis, Fractured Self–A Life in Snapshots, and plans to graduate in the spring. Her middle school students’ passion for writing inspires her every day.

“This is What happens” by Linda Chavers

Scream
Scream by Elizabeth Leader

This Is What Happens…

…When lesions are found on your brain: The resident calls you. You’ve given him permission to tell you on the phone. You step out of class. The resident, who’s more nervous each time he talks to you, lets you know the lesions could be evidence of a stroke, a brain infection or an autoimmune disease so there will be more tests. You’ve already done a series of blood tests including an AIDS test even though you told the attending that you’d had one already earlier that year. He orders it anyway, you don’t like him because he never looks you in the eye when you speak and refers to you like some horse on an auction block when talking to his residents. You don’t yet know that you could’ve requested no students in your examinations.

Later you will know a lot more than you ever wanted to know about patients’ rights. You go back to the hospital for more tests. These include a lumbar puncture.

“A spinal tap?!” you ask the resident.

“It’s called ‘lumbar puncture,” he says.

You curl into a ball and the friend you brought with you tells jokes and you laugh.

“Please don’t laugh” the jittery resident says.

You never see how long the needle is but your friend does and for three seconds he looks pale.

You’re back in class preparing to give a presentation on the Tuskeegee Syphilis Study that killed black men in the name of science. You know it’s him calling because you just have a hunch. Again you step out of class. Again you give the resident permission. He does not sound nervous. He sounds tired, resigned.

“It’s MS” he exhales. You don’t think you feel much of a reaction. He tells you a nurse will train you on needle injections and a part of you is a bit excited by the idea of injecting yourself. Is this based on some movie you saw as a kid? You’re not sure. This is because you have no idea what injections are like, but you soon do.

You go back to class, you give your presentation. It goes well. This is your first semester of graduate school. You will write the rest of your final papers in the hospital. You will get all As. You will publish one of these papers. You start the injections, Avonex, and you think they suck and injections are no longer cool. As time passes, years, this will become the only semester you did well academically. You try to find that reaction. You realize, too, that you never cried.

 

You also keep going..sort of.

You will not fully comprehend what is happening to you for another two years. But this is what you do, anyway or, in the meantime: you stay in school, choosing not to take a leave of absence, because you simply don’t know what that would look like and, more practically, you’d lose your health insurance. Your treatment costs tens of thousands of dollars. You stay in school, you keep your insurance. Your family calls you a lot in the immediate aftermath. No one comes to visit except your father. You’re in the hospital when he comes and you smile when you first see him and then you’re dismayed because his wife follows him as do your siblings. You’re glad to see your siblings but you wish you just had your dad.

Two years later, they divorce after eighteen years and your stepmother never speaks to you again. You keep going. You ace that first semester because you’ve decided this is bullshit. You and your friend enjoy what you call a “man summer” which means you study a lot and screw a lot more and it is fun. You do more admirable things, like go to Italy to teach, Ireland for a writers workshop and to Portugal to present a paper. You teach undergrads for the first time with no prior experience and receive awards for your evaluations. You keep going. You’ve switched from weekly shots to daily shots and you and your boyfriend have contests over who can inject the fastest (note: he can). Your left hand gets weaker so you get that speak-to-text software. The school pays for it and you will misplace it after a year. You drink and smoke more and think nothing of it. Drinking has become a new art form, you have a martini set in your dorm room. You teach four classes per semester and lose 30 pounds and have an awesome boyfriend. This keeps you going.

You now have access to as many drugs as you want because you are chronically ill. You are on anti-depressants, stimulants and drugs to sleep. You look amazing and everyone tells you so, except one friend who voices concern but you will dismiss it. Because you are constantly someplace else. You are in pain all of the time. You keep going. You will soon fall apart.

 

You find out that…

You are not where you expected to be. The boyfriend is gone. Things were great between you two until they weren’t. He’s now in graduate school getting his MBA, you wrote the essays. You don’t regret that because no one can deny that when you love someone you love deeply and hard without any sense. It’s been almost a year since you last saw each other and you don’t cry anymore over him or the end of the relationship but you still cry over his son, whom you did not expect to still love this hard.

You get drunk and drunker again and again but you seem to be having a blast until you aren’t and you find yourself shuddering on your boyfriend’s kitchen floor. There are two occasions where you will never be sure if what you had was consensual sex. You remind yourself you graduated magna cum laude and wrote more than one A paper completely lit off your ass so there can’t be a problem now. Your mother reminds you of what she told you in high school: “Alcohol will not be a friend to you.” You smoke a ton and take pride in the fact that no one pegs you as a smoker, you don’t even have an odor. You are proud about a lot of things that you can still do. A professor calls your paper “worse than an undergrad’s” and you will hold that above every accomplishment you ever make, to this day. Because he told you that not long after you learned all about MS and cognitive impairment, so now your secret’s out: you’re retarded and everyone will know. And that is how you will live your life: afraid and self-conscious. Slowly but surely, over time, you find yourself opting for flats more than your trademark high heels. Eventually, you stop wearing heels altogether. Accordingly, you stop taking as much time to get dressed when going out — because what is the point?

Neither you nor your boyfriend are willing to admit it’s over, not even after you down a bottle of Klonopin with a glass of wine and Windex. You told him you were going to kill yourself and you meant it, sort of. They give you charcoal at the hospital and you stay there a week. Your father is there again and demands the hospital refer to him as “Doctor” because he’s an attorney. Your uncle calls and says you can’t die because he’d be left to deal with your father. Your mother has lived 3000 miles away for almost ten years because of things that happened that you rarely discuss. Despite being far away she will be your saving grace and keep you from completely drowning. You do not accept this yet.  You leave the hospital and go right back to school because you had the common sense to try and off yourself during winter break so no work was missed. You tell your department that you had an MS exacerbation and you’re a bit amused at the irony of using your chronic illness to hide your mental illness.

You leave Boston for NYC telling yourself that without a car in Boston it’s harder to get around when you’re limping after a half-mile of walking. Within months you learn that NYC is just as terrible when seeking accommodation for the disabled. But you don’t look disabled. This means constantly proving your illness to people. You remain surprised at who does and doesn’t get it, this only furthers your belief that you cannot know anyone truly, ever, and they definitely cannot know you. You admit to yourself and no one else that you really left Boston to get away from your ex.

You get an apartment and a part-time job while completing your dissertation. You do not write. You begin to unravel. In a year you will have alienated the only friend who stands by you, you will have stopped drinking, you will be hauled off from your apartment by the cops and you will be in a mental ward for the second time in two years. This time, it was three bottles and a razor. This time, you can’t keep going, you will have to stop.

 

This is Now

This is your last chance. This is not your first time in a psych ward but this is the first time you pay attention. You try to sleep a lot. They won’t let you. You try to stay alone. They won’t let you. Your doctors call you a “high-level” patient: highly functioning, capable, intelligent. This is not news to you (you’ve never struggled to figure out your problems, just couldn’t get past them) but this is the first doctor who tells you he won’t be disarmed by your smile (“it’s notably disarming,” he says. This warms you, an older man once said this to you when you were a girl. You don’t tell him this.) nor will he buy your “ ‘I’m fine’ bullshit.” Like a kid, you’re still wide-eyed when an authority figure curses. The friend who you were a complete fuck to visits you more than once. Later, over dinner you both cry over what happened. There will be a handful of things you will never completely resolve and this heartbreak is one of them.

It’ll be six years in the winter since you were first diagnosed with MS. You don’t take shots anymore, the disease has progressed and now you’re on immunotherapy. It has one major side effect: a lethal brain cancer. You have a permanent limp that you hide well. You have problems swallowing and you slur your words. Your hands shake and the fatigue can be unbearable at times. As a recovering alcoholic you have to laugh that you walk funny and slur your words completely sober. You are deathly afraid you’re no longer competent to achieve anything. Sometimes you wonder if it will be depression or MS that kills you but you take comfort in knowing it will most likely be neither. It has not yet been a year since learning you’re bipolar. You thought bipolar people had highs and lows but you only have lows and they tell you this is normal. You learn that it’s normal to never feel joy and to love everyone else but yourself.

You stop saying that you’re fine but the automatic smiling will probably never go away. You wonder if your propensity to smile — and to do so in such a way — comes from growing up with divorced parents who didn’t stop fighting until your twenties. You despise this kind of boo-hoo thinking and remind yourself that everybody’s divorced. You don’t yet allow for the recognition of your story in its own right. Your self-righteousness borders on appalling. Indeed, you realize, it’s fucking killing you. They suggest Lithium and you cringe. You see your mother back when, 100 pounds overweight and miserable. You think your body’s already falling apart and you can’t afford getting fat. But you want to live and when they ask if you mean it and you say yes you surprise yourself because, yes, you want to live, you don’t want to do this, to succumb to the racing thoughts. So you try the lithium. Within days you wish you’d taken it the first time it was suggested years ago. Because this is the first time you can remember where you are calm and you don’t freak out. You’ve never been calm, that’s why you love booze. It bothered you that you’d been three months sober and still attempted suicide. You eventually understand that the removal of alcohol was the removal of your security blanket and it unleashed everything you’d kept at bay. You learn there was a ton of shit you’d been drinking, fucking, smoking, intellectualizing, and super-achieving away.

So you manage this ton of shit. Your dissertation remains unfinished. You will be one year sober this month. You haven’t been to a meeting in months and you think of a drink every other day. You have no job prospects. You are not unraveling. Sometimes your calm freaks you out. When MS allows, you sleep like a fucking baby. You still get angry and you cry now but not as much as others would like. You’ve gained ten pounds and have acne from Lithium and you occasionally hope that the drugs you take for MS will counter any more weight gain. You talk to yourself and make yourself chuckle. Not everyone likes you but you do. You have not lived as a saint but somehow you know that this is a better life. You have a sex life and you find this odd and amusing. You accept that you will not have a family of your own, you’re too selfish. You heard that depression is the inability to envision a future for oneself. So you draw. You learn to treat your emotions as temporary feelings and not demons to avoid. Sometimes you chalk up your deep-seated fear of emotions to some defense mechanism from when an older relative molested you. But you’ve always been the kind of person who shrugs off why shit happens and just keeps going. This is not your last chance but it’s the one that counts.

 

 

Linda Chavers, a DC native, lives in Philadelphia where she teaches literature at Temple University. She recently received her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies from Harvard University. When she’s not figuring out how to get her students as excited over Faulkner as she is, she enjoys contemporary fiction and reality television….the trashier, the better.

 

“Blue-Blue” by Nicole Sadaniantz

Soldiers
Soldiers, 2012, by Elizabeth Leader, collage with found objects

It was Miss Anna, our dear family friend, who taught me to eat the lemon peel. I had already learned to enjoy the pulp, but when I realized that she ate the whole thing, I had to follow suit. A saint and the bees-knees, she had blue-blue eyes and blonde-blonde hair.  She never missed a birthday, her cards illuminated with the most elegant handwriting I had ever seen. Plus, she baked chocolate chip cookies twice the size of those we made at home.

Miss Anna was born in 1950 in Kewaunee, Wisconsin. She spoke often of the farm-life, though with no desire to return. At some point she had made her way up to the Northeast to a new home in Osterville, Massachusetts and a new job in Providence, Rhode Island.  Working at The Miriam Hospital, she met her husband, Alfred. He worked with my father, and as both Miss Anna and my mother were nurses, not more than a few years apart in age, friendship inevitably ensued. Thus Miss Anna entered my life before I had ever been conceived.

Summer was the perfect time to visit her. My father usually working, the expeditions evolved naturally into a female-centric tradition. My mother, my two sisters, and I drove to Cape Cod for the day. Miss Anna had an in-ground pool that she cleaned meticulously, despite her own fear of swimming. We jumped in and eagerly awaited her at the bottom of the waterslide, our arms outstretched with every flotation toy from her shed. Most days she opted to ease her way in via the shallow end steps. Lunch followed. Caesar salad featuring cucumbers and tomatoes from her garden, topped with salmon and freshly grated parmesan. Lemon slices, if you so desired. Bread or chips on the side. Cranberry juice or root beer or chocolate milk; Miss Anna offered whatever she had. Her freezer stored two or three ice cream options for dessert, but the locally beloved “lemon-crisp”—always with blueberries—tended to prevail. A bit more banter, and perhaps a final return to the pool, and then, sometime before sundown, we would hug hug hug and head home.  The turquoise-indigo hydrangeas at the edge of the driveway smiled as brightly as Miss Anna, bidding us farewell.

Come Christmas and Easter, Miss Anna visited us in Rhode Island. Without fail, she arrived bearing gifts. Peef the Christmas Bear, and his accompanying picture book; a sea-glass necklace; a hand-painted Christmas tree ornament; a family of rag doll rabbits. Both my parents were estranged from their siblings, and Miss Anna had no children of her own. So as we sat around the carpet, Miss Anna assumed the role of aunt. But we never called her “Aunt.” She was and could only be, “Miss Anna.” The name had a melody that matched her noble posture and our merry reverence of her being. We were always glad to hear that Miss Anna was coming and sad to hear that Miss Anna was going. The twinkle that danced between her eyes and laughter led us to physically barricade the door, begging her to stay the night.

Towards the end of August 2010, shortly before my senior year of high school began, Miss Anna was diagnosed with cancer. In a telephone call to my mother, she revealed that she had a brain tumor. I had recently finished reading a novel for my English class about a woman with a brain tumor; there must be some strange order to the universe, I thought. My little sister and I took photographs of ourselves—our feet in the shape of a star, grand leaps across the grass, our ponytails transformed into mustaches. We sent the prints to Miss Anna and she hung them on her refrigerator with the other photographs of our family she had gathered over the years.

When we next saw her, she did not complain of a single thing. She told us of the first time she realized something was not quite right and had only kind words for the police officer who pulled her aside to inquire as to why her driving was off kilter. She hadn’t begun chemotherapy yet, but she would soon. Miss Anna was ill, but the terminal part of her terminal illness seemed distant, avoidable. Miss Anna was still Miss Anna.

A few months later, we met up with her for a belated birthday / belated holiday celebration. Her new wig replicated her former blonde bob well. She had always been slim, and she was now puffy—but, if anything, the softening of the angles of her face made her seem even more gentle and loving. Though the change did not surprise me, I wondered if I would remember her as she appeared post-chemotherapy or as she had appeared for all the years prior. We drove to a restaurant nearby, and she explained that she had been alternating between having no appetite and ravenously snacking in the middle of the night. She ordered a small meal, but tasted some of my mother’s food upon my mother’s insistence. Afterwards, back at her home, Miss Anna opened our gift, a scarf, and was awfully pleased—“How did you know that I have been chilled to the bone lately?” She talked about her current set of obstacles as though they were nothing extraordinary. It was a splendid idea to have a dry erase board in her hospital room; the reminders written on it were so helpful when she couldn’t remember where she had left her socks, and shouldn’t they put the boards in all the rooms? And she had this appointment or that appointment coming up, but really, the important thing was that so and so had dropped off those lovely flowers in the vase on the coffee table.

A few months down the line, our father heard through the hospital grapevine that Miss Anna passed away on May 17, 2011, after deciding privately to end treatment. It had not been one year from her initial diagnosis. He called our mother who then relayed the news to my little sister and me after school. My sister burst into tears. I bit my lip to keep myself from laughing nervously. Scuttling up to my room, I retrieved all the stuffed animals Miss Anna had given me. I slept with them for several weeks. I did not think; I simply held onto them—onto her—as tightly as possible.

On May 28th we attended a small white Congregational church near Miss Anna’s home for the memorial service. A box with a bow at the front of the altar held her ashes (or so I presumed). Her best friend discussed how Miss Anna overcame early obstacles to become the full, authentic version of herself whom we all loved. I don’t know what those obstacles were, and my mother, though so close to her, never knew either. But her spark invented words like “tince” (used in place of, for example, a “pinch” of pepper), and that was what mattered most. The pastor, new to the parish, had only recently met Miss Anna, but he had heard the most beautiful things about her. Her husband Alfred described her as an angel who entered his life at his time of greatest need.

I cracked upon the singing of “On Eagle’s Wings.” I wasn’t sure why. I hadn’t cried for Miss Anna at all over the previous weeks, and suddenly there I was, in the middle of so many people, sobbing. Maybe it was something about being one of but a few younger people in the room combined with the fact that I knew the hymn from school. Whatever the case, I was loud, and that bothered me, because this day should have been solely about Miss Anna, and I didn’t want any attention. The woman sitting behind me passed me tissues. Finally the tears diminished, dissolving into hiccups by the time the service was over. I splashed cold water on my face then joined the others at the reception, half expecting Miss Anna to be there.

As I observed the community she had built around her, I realized which Miss Anna I would remember—and it had nothing to do with the altered shape of her face. The two of us were in the car together once, pondering my future, she explaining that her career options as a woman had been limited to secretary, teacher, or nurse.  I do not know how I replied, but I do know how she listened, as though each word I uttered were the crown jewel. She wore a hearing aid; perhaps that is why she listened so closely. But she also delivered her tales with the voice of a butterfly. She felt no need to shout, and thus neither did I. My Miss Anna was the woman whose quiet speech and graceful leadership established a foundation of peace.

She really did eat lemons with the peel included. She did so before she was sick, sitting on the deck in the shade of the umbrella. And she did so while she was sick. She didn’t need to make lemonade. She just ate the lemons and decided they were flawless.

 

 

Nicole Sadaniantz is a native of Providence, Rhode Island. Currently a junior a the University of Pennsylvania, she is studying Theatre and English. This is her first published work.

“The White Buffalo and the Stone Vine” by Candice Carnes

Eve at the edge
“Eve at the Edge” by Elizabeth Leader, Pastel on Fabriano paper

Every woman carries at her core a ball of fire.

Most stories remain solid, a manageable system of change, barely perceptible in time, their experiences like erosion, slowly cutting through stone. But an ill woman’s landscape is full of tsunamis. Her stories, like violent waves so sudden and constant that there is nothing but the meta-memory of their aftershocks.

This is the myth of my own disease.

There was a mass of unknown origin wrapped around my right kidney. It looked like a jellyfish and its tentacles reached as far as my thigh until they squeezed my muscles and I had trouble walking.

Because this mass was gelatinous, no one could find it even with technology, which is expensive, but ordinarily reliable.

The mass gestated in my right side until it became so large that it shoved my kidney into my spine.

And then I couldn’t bend in the middle.

To save my body, my kidney sacrificed itself and grew a stone from the crystallization of calcium that in the beginning was tinier than a single grain of sand. This crystal grew in size,

sharp and jagged-edged, like a knife that cut me open as it reached out, attempting to assassinate the alien mass that had invaded my body.

In my dreams, this stone looked like a bone arrowhead. I saw a white buffalo shot with this arrowhead. The buffalo was bleeding, and then I was bleeding, and then I woke up drenched in sweat, unsure if I was in pain or just imagining that I was in pain. I couldn’t remember which one of us had been shot. Sometimes I thought I was the buffalo and the hunter had pierced me with an arrowhead, and out of fear I had ran away.

The white buffalo lived alone in flatlands that reached out to the North and to the South. Behind her, to the West, was red earth and mountain ranges. She was lonely, but I could never reach her. Sometimes I imagined she dreamed of me and wondered why we both lived in such different kinds of solitude. Sometimes I wondered if the hunter’s arrow was his love, which I had rejected, and that he was the one who ran away.

Sometimes I missed the hunter, but then I remembered how difficult it was to kill with a bow and arrow. If the hunter was anything less than precise, it took a long time to die from such wounds.

I was a wounded animal, dying slowly.

The stone grew from an arrowhead into a scorpion that perched on my kidney. Sometimes I could feel that scorpion reach up and pinch my heart just to make sure I was still alive. He was my child, my son, guarding my life along with his own. My body was a stone jungle— filled with stone beasts— like gargoyles holding back the gates of death.

The scorpion sprouted a leaf. The leaf grew into a stone vine that grew around my spinal cord like bone on bone. The vine grew microscopic buds that hung like poisonous flowers, symbolizing a birth—lily of valley—and I couldn’t tell if I was in the process of dying or being born.

When the surgeons retracted my ribs and removed the mass, my kidney had been shoved so far into my spinal cord that they had merged, like Siamese twins in the stone cage of the vine. Nothing that was embedded in my spinal cord could be removed, without paralyzing me. My side was sewn-up. The cortex of kidney and fragments of stone vine were left inside. The vine became calcified to the bones of my vertebrae, so that sometimes, even now, when I bend it  grates, bone against bone, stone against stone, like the plates of the Earth converging and subducting as they buckle and collide. Forever my movements will be slower, my body a force against its own inertia.

In the grind the jagged edges of broken parts slowly turn to dust.

The dust created by movement is re-absorbed.

But the body is still at risk.

Stone remnants can break away in chunks—like tiny new arrowheads that pierce through the sterile cavity of the human body, causing infection. I am prone to abscesses— a defense of the body— where healthy cells will harden like tiny soldiers, keeping the infection localized where it will grow in a self-contained bubble until it can be drained.

The constant work of erosion has presented itself as scars. My stories burrowed into its valleys. The stone pillar became my spine that grinded in place as movement forced through. It is the work of moving sculptures, of moving stones, of moving walls.

This volatile body,

is my body.

What does this say about me now that my insides have been removed and replaced, invaded and displaced? Where does one seek refuge from her own body when it has been taken over by such mysteries? A menagerie of beasts, vital organs too decayed to function, and the alien mass, which began it all removed by skill of the surgeon’s hand.

As the retractors split my ribs, I dreamt of the hunter and wondered if he was trying to kill the white buffalo or if he meant to save her. Was I that buffalo?

I bled-out.

A vascular surgeon was called.

A central line was inserted into my neck. It was threaded through the jugular vein that ran directly to my heart. Two pints of O-positive were pumped to my right atrium, but I kept bleeding. The surgery took eight hours, but in my mind it lasted much longer.

After months of watching the bleeding white buffalo standing alone, I saw her collapse while drinking water from a stream. She was too hot. The water was not cool enough. Would I ever wake up? Centuries passed while I sat next to the buffalo, stroking her skin with cool rags desperate for her to wake, knowing  my totem might die. The retractors were removed along with two of my ribs.

Confused, I believed I had almost drowned, and washed up on a riverbed where I woke up in the blazing sun.

I remembered the scorpion. How long had he been my guardian? And how was it that the leaf and the vine had invaded my body? What would life be like without them? And how long before this delicate balance would again be disturbed?

It is the strength, beauty, and frailty of the sick body that Frida Kahlo once called, a ribbon around a bomb.

I am none and all of these beasts at once.

 

 

Candice Carnes earned her BFA in creative writing from Goddard College. This essay is an excerpt from her book, An Incomplete Case Study of the Petrified Woman, a memoir of a traumatic, nearly fatal illness that cost her (among other things) a kidney at the age of 32. Most of her stories are informed by over a decade of providing hands-on patient care. She is the winner of the 2009 Leo-Love Merit Scholarship in fiction. Her work has appeared in Adobe Walls, Raphael’s Village, Apeiron Review, and in Mused (June 2013).

 

“Chasing Normal” by Catherine Dowling

she was always late (Chasing Normal)
“She Was Always Late” by Peter Groesbeck

In Ireland, in the 70’s, boys were everywhere, or at least it seemed that way. They crowded Saturday night dances and thronged youth groups, hiking groups, every kind of group. They struck up conversations on the street and hovered around the gate to my all-girls high school. While such plenitude made starting a relationship appear easy, there was a skill involved, a dance of enticement and feigned indifference that everyone knew was an act, but pretended to believe was real. It was a dance I never mastered.

I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t smart. I couldn’t bring myself to laugh at jokes that weren’t funny, or figure out when to lie about having other plans, and I didn’t know how to use meanness as a strategy. Most of all, I cared inordinately what a boy thought of me and believed without question that he didn’t think much of me at all. But I kept that to myself, corralled it into an enclosure for secrets that can’t be shown to the world. Like The Scarlet Letter I was reading at the time, they branded me inferior to requirements, itself a source of intense vulnerability and shame.

Somewhere between late teens and early twenties, the downhill rush to marriage began.  Boyfriend, marriage, children. That was the norm. That was the nature of the universe.  As a boyfriendless teenager, I was a little odd, a little to be pitied. As my husbandless years ticked by, I became ‘strong’ and ‘independent’, greatly admired by women who were relieved not to be me.  I listened to their well-meaning consolations – praise for my college degrees, my career, my travels in America, still a distant and exotic place back then. These were euphemisms for failure. At twenty six I was a failure as a woman. It seared to the bone. Despite my precocious feminism, I too secretly believed my life was nothing without a man. I longed to be normal, but believed I never would. And then, age thirty, I got married, just in the nick of time.

It didn’t matter that pain often lurked behind the façade of marriage. By the time you discovered this hidden-in-plain-sight secret, you were already married. You were in the cocoon of normalcy.  So what if there was a little suffering involved, and sometimes more than a little? Suffering is part of life, absorb it, corral it firmly and get on with living.

But, as my contemporaries and I reached middle age, something happened, something we didn’t see coming and wasn’t even legal when we got married: Divorce. It affected everyone randomly and indiscriminately; girls who snagged husbands early and those who married late. Twenty years and one marriage later, the cocoon abruptly split and spat me out into a world I didn’t recognize.

In this new world, women were everywhere, blossoming, post-divorce women. They seemed happy. I felt like I was breaking apart. I did the usual: changed my hairstyle, bought new clothes, took an art class. It wasn’t enough. I was suffocating so, when the opportunity presented itself, I moved to another country, a country famous for reinvention.

In my new home, I joined groups. I joined a faith group, a meditation group and a hiking group.  All women. I joined a writer’s group. Two married men and more women. I make friends easily, so I made wonderful friendships with women of all ages, but why wasn’t I finding a new relationship? Other women did, often just months after divorce. Once again I was out of step. My whole world had changed and yet nothing had changed at all.

“The internet,” one of my thirty-something friends sighed. She played with her phone for half a second and handed it to me. “Dating websites! Start with this one, it’s free.”

I filled out the profile, found a photograph I didn’t hate, and waited. My in-box filled up rapidly. So this was where the boys had gone. They were hiding in dating websites. I surveyed profiles. Then it hit me with the impact of an epiphany–in this medium I could choose. I could approach men, declare interest and it was ok, not forward, not slutty, normal. I felt liberated, powerful, optimistic for the first time in years. I liked this new world where there were no dances and I had at least some chance of success. I picked a man and sent a ‘smile’.

Michael responded immediately. Mid-50s, long divorced, he grew his own food. He had to be nice if he grew his own food. He also played guitar and wrote music. A 70s boy turned man. The future opened before me, shimmering with possibility. Then I got sick and couldn’t get to my e-mails for three days. And there it was–the furious, lashing out, what kind of a bitch are you, have a nice life e-mail. He thought I’d stopped communicating and this was the reaction. The back to nature 70s boy had picked up some baggage on the way to being fifty.

The depth of dejection I felt astonished and frightened me. But something was different. I couldn’t corral the emotion. When I was married, I had few friends. When marriage ended, friends seemed to appear out of nowhere. They knew better than I did what I needed most; to talk. So now, I talked about Michael and slowly a glimmer of logic, faint but real, penetrated my gloom. Michael had his own problems. It wasn’t all about me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t blame myself for losing this one.

A few weeks later ‘Bird Man’ (because he ‘liked to soar’) arrived in my in-box.  His profile looked promising but he was pushy about meeting. The Michael experience had been sobering.  Better talk first, I wrote. So we did. He was friendly and warm and liked to cook. He particularly liked to cook for his lady. Did I like to eat? He liked a lady who could eat. Hmmm…Maybe it was the way men talk in this new world. Bird Man lived on three acres in the mountains to the east of the city. He was a farmer, and a writer, and a political lobbyist and a CPA. Something didn’t add up.

“I’ve business interests in Canada too,” he announced. “I have to go to Canada next week. We could meet when I get back.”

“Eh…maybe.” I’d gone into this without an exit strategy, my skills of rejection as weak as my skills of attraction.

“Will you hug me when we meet, Catherine?”

Hang up, now! a voice in my head insisted. This voice was new, strangely decisive.

“I might shake hands,” I heard myself say and felt a distance open between us. I’d given myself space to reject instead of being rejected.

“Oh, Catherine, you’re so hesitant. You need to feel the edge of a real lover.”

Hang up, the head voice boomed.

“I like to sing. I’ll sing for you. Holy God we praise thy name. / Lord of all, we bow before thee…” I knew this one from eternities of elementary school choir practice. It was long.

“I have to go,” I blurted, “I’m meeting some…”

“I’m a poet too. Do you want to hear my poem? I wrote it for you.” He launched into something about two eagles soaring to an azure sky. The eagles lock talons and plunge together into their nest. “The eagles are you and me, Catherine,” he explained lest I missed that subtlety. “We’ll have our own nest, just you and me.”

Hang up, you moron, the voice screamed.

“Goodbye,” I said abruptly. Abruptly enough to be offensive. I felt no remorse. I felt good.

After Bird Man, I stopped replying to messages. I wasn’t willing to sever my lifeline to normal by ending my site membership, but I was also not willing to take another failure. About three months later Joe contacted me and something about the calm no-rush demeanor of his e-mail enticed me into a response. We e-mailed. We talked on the phone, him unhurried, me hyper vigilant for flickers of anger, or weirdness, portents of future rejection. There were none.  We arranged to meet for lunch.

“Not a date,” I told myself, “just lunch.” Why was I talking like this? The date had real potential. Why now did I so desperately want to cancel?

Joe was fun, a good conversationalist who also asked questions and listened to the answers. We had a lot in common and some interests we didn’t share. He was a calm, gracious, confident man who didn’t dance, who liked me…who wanted another date. The pizza we shared turned to paper in my mouth and, like a skittish steeplechaser, I reared up at the final fence. He asked again about dinner later in the week. I hedged, all stiff and secretly terrified but the terror wasn’t as well hidden as I thought.

“This is too hard for you, isn’t it?” he said. I nodded. “Maybe you’re not ready. Maybe you need to be alone for a while. It’s okay. Everyone does.”

We hugged and parted company and I began the two mile walk back to my apartment. As I crossed the bridge, Joe’s words replaying in my mind, I came level with the crowns of the huge cottonwood trees that lined the riverbank. In the crystal light and thin air of the high desert, there’s nothing more stunning than the brilliant yellow of cottonwoods against an empty autumn sky. I ran my hands through the nearest leaves, each one an exquisite blending of yellows and golds. A month earlier they had all been green. Some still held a trace of their old color and no two were exactly alike. As they passed through my fingers, for the first time in my life, I felt the bubbling joy of being totally and completely alone. And it was beyond OK; it was wonderful. In this universe of infinite difference, I knew with certainty that there really is no such thing as normal. And it wouldn’t matter anyway if there were.

 

 

Catherine Dowling has a Bachelor’s in English and History with a minor in Psychology.  She holds a diploma in Rebirthing (breathwork psychotherapy) from the Association of Irish Rebirthers and is a founder and former chairperson of the Irish Rebirthing Psychotherapy Association and co-founder of the Federation of Irish Complimentary Therapy Associations. She’s also a former president of the International Breathwork Foundation, the networking body for breathwork therapists and supporters with members in over twenty countries. Catherine’s blog can be read here.

Read an interview with Catherine here.

“Ecdysis” by A. M. Rose

at-last-(Ecdysis)
“At Last” by Peter Groesbeck

I’ve told a lot of stories about my very brief career in stripping.

I tell my female friends that it was a social experiment and I was doing some late-blooming rebellion. I tell them that it wasn’t very glamorous, most of the customers were awkward but the bartenders were nice.

I never tell my male friends.

To retired and working strippers I tell them that I wasn’t in it long, just to make some money after a living situation went south. Then I change the subject.

I tell the man that I date immediately afterwards that I was trying to prove something and trying to get rid of something. I tell him that I’m not ashamed of it, but it didn’t give me what I needed and it took too much, so I got out. I tell him that a strip club was one of the most depressing places I’ve ever worked in, and I’ve worked retail during the holidays.

I tell myself that I worked longer than I did, that I was better at it than I was, and that I was in control the whole time.

I know that if you tell a story enough times, you start to believe. I wait for that to happen.

While I wait, I keep the shoes in the back of my closet, a sort of insurance I never talk about. If it ever gets too bad, if I am really desperate, I can go back.

Part of me wants to go back. I don’t like how the story ended, it didn’t fit the narrative that I particularly like, in which I play Scheherazade in a T-back. That story takes on a dream-like quality when I tell it to myself, and I do, about a thousand and one times.  Hear, oh king, of a young woman who was always good at telling tales. She felt constrained by the stories that were told about her by lovers and her family. She finds temporary liberation in telling stories to men who pay her for the temporary fantasy she gives them.  She may not have been the prettiest, or the most experienced, but she was the cleverest and she knew the power of a well told lie. But, time passes and the young woman grows disillusioned with the doublespeak and puts her clothes back on, now wiser and with a wad of cash in her pocket. Finit. There is no room in that story for doubt.

But I do doubt. When I quit, I tell myself it is because I am scared after I see a customer snapping photos with his cell. I also tell myself that I am scared of it keeping me from ever getting a different job. Two years later, I tell myself that if I was really strong, if I really didn’t care what other people thought, I would have kept on going.  I had given in.

This is not a good story. I want to rewrite it.

Instead, I write papers towards a degree and cover letters towards a job and credit my success to the fact that I am very, very good at telling professors and interviewers what they want to hear. I treat the whole process like an investigative report—what can I tell them to make them tell me what I need to know to get what I want from them? In between my collection of part time jobs, I start a story about an anthropologist with the super-power to blend into whatever group she is studying. It is a sort of reverse participant-observation—she is observed, and therefore can participate.  One day, she looks in the mirror and sees nothing because there is no one there to tell her who she is. I don’t finish the story because I never finish stories.

My unfinished stories are always perfect, just like my unfinished undertakings. I know that I fear mediocrity more than I fear badness. One can be the baddest bad girl, or the worst writer, but to be somewhere in the middle? To try and then fail, not out of lack of effort but simply because when you dragged your sled up the bell curve it teetered then stopped on the hump—that is unacceptable.

One day in a class on research methods the professor makes a joke about going to a strip club, and I wince. I am not ashamed of having done it; I am ashamed of not doing it now.  I think, I have given away my chance to be really good at being really bad. I’ve always known that I’m not a good girl; I just play one for the sake of convenience. But I’ve been playing one for so long, I’m starting to forget.  Or maybe I believe it. Or maybe it was all a story after all. No—it can’t be a story, it’s needs to be real, it has to be real. I am Scheherazade and all of this is a just a framing narrative mistranslated.  The unfinished stories are only a preface, that’s not my real life.

So, a week later when a shiny new friend asks me to pose nude for a performance art piece I say yesyesyes and drag out the scary platform heels and body make-up. I rejoin the stripper forums on the web—I’ve forgotten my old handle so I make up a new one. I make up a whole new set of stories for the occasion that I recite to myself on my way to work. I remember some of the lies I told customers, how I felt like I was a puppet master pulling their sad strings. There is still something dark and jagged fossilized there, but I tell myself it is just a nasty side effect of working in a misunderstood industry and maybe some internalized sexism.  A very small voice tells me that this is my chance to prove that I am strong after all. I will tell a story that someone desperately wants to hear. I will finally finish my own character sketch. I will feel whole and real and complete.

I am fitted for the costume that is not clothes. I will wear see through panniers, the type wore by Marie Antoinette before her life went to shit. My hair will be piled up in a style reminiscent of Antoinette also, and I will control a peacock puppet. I’ll wear feathered pasties and a pair of very small feathered knickers. I’m supposed to represent bound womanhood, oppression…perhaps something about class and revolution. I joke and laugh with the artists and feel terribly proud of myself. I have to learn how to attach pasties. At the club we used to get around the tangle of nudity laws by painting fingernail polish on our nipples or sticking pieces of Band-Aid on them. At home, I practice standing very still in the shoes and paint my toenails peacock green to match the new pasties.  I will feel beautiful; I chant to myself, I will feel powerful. I will show them all that I am not what I am and that there are so many stories inside of me. I cannot wait.

The performance is at an annual gala for a theatre company. It is at well known bar in a trendy neighborhood, the type that sells cheap beer and microbrews so that customers can affect poverty or patronage, depending on their inclination.  The theme of the night is Revolution. In the dressing room a stylist winds my hair through wire pieces, then I take off my clothes and put on my feathers.

One of the artists escorts me to the stage.  There is a placard with the title of the piece and my new stage name. There is some confusion when it is discovered that the raised stage I was supposed to stand on is very close to the door. It is an icy spring night and the cold air blows in each time someone goes out to smoke. The artists, trying to be kind, decide that it is too cold for me, and they move the performance space to the floor, near the speakers.

I don’t like being on the floor. It feels too close. I need to be above everyone. But I don’t feel important enough to explain this, it’s not my piece and the move is for my own good. This is a change I didn’t expect; when I stripped I was an independent contractor. I could leave the stage, I could leave the floor any time I wanted.  Too much drama would get me in trouble with the manager and wouldn’t make me any friends, but that was up to me. I set the scene. Now I’m a set in someone else’s play. That never occurred to me.

People begin to trickle in. I cock my hip and tug the strings of the puppet. The party-goers walk by. Some stop to stare, some look away. I want them to look, I want to see a reaction.  I study their faces, but they are curiously slack. Is it on purpose, out of embarrassment? Or am I just not reaching them?  I’m not used to this. In a club, everyone knows what they are getting into, I saw some nervousness, some appreciation, some disgust, but I almost always saw something. When I did figure modeling, the art students always had furrowed brows and pursed lips. Some of the people take out cameras. I wince. I don’t like that. The artists and I never discussed how to deal with photos. I should have thought of that. Cameras make me feel numb, I’m no longer telling a story, someone is taking down an illustration and will write the caption later.

I watch the people watching me, I watch the people not watching me and I don’t feel anything. I rotate the handle of the puppet strings and make the peacock preen and stretch its neck. The motions feel pathetic and small. I’m supposed to tell some grand narrative, what was I going to tell? I can’t remember exactly. This was going to be a revolution but I’m not moving anything.

The room fills. More people, mostly men, take photos. I’m not giving the audience anything, they’re just taking. There is nothing between us but empty space, cameras and an imaginary bird. My feet hurt.

This is all wrong. Not morally wrong, but incorrect, inaccurate. This character, this girl standing so still covered in feathers and other people’s ideas, she is not my story. I agreed to tell someone else’s story, a story about gender and clothing and 18th century class politics but I never really understood the implications of being a character in another’s narrative.

In 1935, Gypsy Rose Lee’s manager coined the term ecdysiast to describe her client’s profession. It comes from the Greek word “to molt,” used to describe invertebrates that shed their outer layer. I wanted to take off my clothes and discover that I was someone better, braver, more talented and beautiful the whole time. If I could just scrub off this layer of mediocrity and failure my life would be better. But here, I just feel naked. Not better or prettier or more interesting. I’m entirely myself from the particular shape of my breasts to the insecurity that clings to me like a birthmark. I haven’t shed anything but my illusions and I am naked as Eve.

I struggle to bring it all back together in my head, to pull the threads of this moment together into some kind of fabric to cover myself. How can I make this moment mine again? I am not supposed to be Eve post-fruit-snack, I am supposed to be Scheherazade on her wedding night and they are supposed to be the king. But how can I be Scheherazade when I can’t finish a story and start a new one? None of my stories are finished. I’m not an artist or a writer or a queen, just a naked girl. That is all that Scheherazade would have been without her stories, a naked girl, then a dead one.

The more strangers tell me how beautiful and daring and “so brave” I am the more ugly and cowardly and I feel.  I am facing my naked insect self and I know that this girl isn’t posing nude because she is brave, she is doing it because she is scared shitless.

I stumble home after the event feeling numb and bewildered. I can’t stand to sleep in the same bed as my fiancé, so instead I sleep on our disintegrating couch with an itchy afghan. While I wait to fall asleep, I tell myself the story of what happened. I am ashamed of how horrible I felt. This should have been fine. It was Art and I was surrounded by Artists in thrift store cardigans in a rather well-liked bar while a rather well-known indie band played. I used to strip to bad pop music in a place with sticky floors, surrounded by corn-fed frat boys. I try to find a corner on this puzzle, so I can piece the whole thing together. I need to control the way it is shaping itself in my mind. Every night, I find a version that I can, well, maybe not live with, but one I can tell. It is my bedtime story; I fall asleep repeating it like a mnemonic device. But by the next evening it has fallen apart again, like a book left in the rain.

After several nights of this I call my shiny new friend, bawl her out angrily and incoherently, then sink even more deeply into shame. For God’s sake, if I can’t emotionally deal with something so small and trivial, something I agreed to, then I should at least have the grace not to talk about it. I hate being so exposed; I hate the rawness of it all. I don’t do intimate conversations that I can’t control. I need to write the script, but it is all nasty improvisation.

Before I can pull together a suitable plot, life takes the driving wheel for a while. My fiancé’s stepmother dies, we get married, we move apartments, my sister-in-law gives birth and I start a new job. There’s one thing you can say for death, marriage, birth and work—it fills up your calendar and you forsake navel-gazing for filling other people’s bellies with casseroles.

I take the radio station playing all that noise, pack it up with my spoons and wedding dress and try to just swim through the next few months. When I break through the other side, I still can’t think about it, so I leave it, like the box of photos and old blankets. I mention it to a therapist, and then refuse to talk about it. She continues to bring it up gently, because she’s a bitch that way.

Strange little things begin to happen while I’m not thinking about it. I start telling people no a lot more, which is weird. I find that by truthfully saying no, I can truthfully say yes.  And when I tell the truth, writing down things that are true becomes easier. I join a writing group. The writers are awkward as hell but the barista is nice. A few months after writing regularly with strangers, I sign up for some workshops and begin writing more regularly with more strangers. When I read my unfinished pieces I feel ugly and insectile, letting them see the twisty wormholes of my mind, the imperfect cocoons I am spinning. Everyone is very honest and very, very kind. I go home and write more.

I gain 10 lbs. and care more out of habit than hatred. I get rid of about a third of my clothes. I throw away the bottle of perfume someone gave me that smells terrible on my skin. My body still feels like a rental property but now I am building a rickety fence and considering buying a fierce little dog to patrol the yard. I write about the little dog.

And then, on an extremely ordinary day, I finish a story.  I am so surprised that I hide it in a file folder that I look at suspiciously for months, expecting it to disappear or catch on fire.

It doesn’t.

When I take out of the file folder, put it in an envelope addressed to a literary magazine and drop it in the mailbox, I am surprised by how little I care. I had read the magazine and it seemed like a good fit, but I didn’t write it for them. The story is mine regardless of whether they choose to publish it.

I tell myself, that was all I wanted in the end, a story that was mine.

 

 

 

A. M. Rose is a writer in Chicago, IL, where she lives with her husband and their bookshelves. She holds a master’s degree in social sciences and spends her days doing research and writing for non-profits and her nights chasing down plots.

Read an interview with A.M. Rose here.

“Be Still” by Deb Moore

bartok's bed (Be Still)
“Bartok’s Bed” by Peter Groesbeck

I feel him slide into bed behind me.

The expanse of bed on the other side is normally a broad, smooth landscape, like the Salt Flats of Bolivia or the I-355 toward Wichita. Unless I throw a leg out over the covers on a sweltering summer night, the span of sheet, blanket, and comforter on the left remain unbroken and undisturbed. The saleswoman had called it a California King, but I use only the merest sliver of real estate; I crowd the outside edge of what would be the Nevada border.

This new presence next to me has altered the landscape, his weight causing my body to slide downslope toward the center of the bed, away from the edge, and into the valley where my hip meets his.

 

When I was 11, my grandmother Smith told me that she believed every woman eventually reached a point when she realized she would be sleeping alone for the rest of her life.

“And when it happens to you, you’ll be glad,” she said.

I had asked why she and my grandfather had their own beds, instead of sharing a bed like my mother and father. When I grew older, I just accepted that the arrangement was probably a nod to an old-fashioned form of birth control that had outlived its usefulness. As a child, though, it made sense to me that my grandmother could rest only if she was alone in the bed.

This was because Grandma Smith suffered from bad nerves. It was a family affliction, and Grandma’s older sister, Weimer, never left home without a travel bag full of prescription tranquillizers. Unlike Weimer, though, my grandmother was Pentecostal; Grandma Smith and the Lord didn’t approve of anything more powerful than the occasional Bayer aspirin.

“Weimer has turned into a pill-head,” my grandma would say.

Although she spoke often of the state of her nerves, I never understood the nature of my grandmother’s affliction. I knew, though, that even if my brother Butch and I were not the cause, we were almost certainly an irritant. My grandmother believed in children being seen but not heard, and she preferred to see them when they were out in the yard.

“You kids are on my nerves,” she would say. “Go outside.”

My grandmother lived in the last house at the end of East B Street, where the asphalt ended abruptly in a grassy field, and where, in midsummer, switch grass grew hip-high to the adults. Full of snakes, ticks, and chiggers, it served as well as any fence.

Across the street from Grandma’s house, a young couple moved into a mobile home smaller than a school bus. He worked nights at the shoe factory. His wife slept alone, without so much as a tiny dog for company. With the great stretch of overgrown field on the one side and a phalanx of neighbors on the other, she slept sound and unconcerned. Then one early morning, the husband returned home from work to find the door to the trailer hanging open. Alarmed, he leapt up the steps and into the darkened trailer, calling out for his wife. Other than being startled by his shouts, she was unharmed. She had been sleeping peacefully in a bedroom in the back.

He chastised her for being so careless and for frightening him so.

“But I locked the door,” she said. “I remember.”

She was just as certain when the young man found the door open a second time, a few days later.

“Have you seen anything suspicious?” he asked my grandparents.

“We’ll keep an eye out,” Grandpa Smith said. “She’ll be fine.”

After the young man walked back to his trailer across the street, though, my grandparents seemed less sure.

“There ain’t no reason for anybody to be coming up into the house like that unless they’re up to something,” my grandmother said. “Raymond, maybe you should load a gun, just in case.”

And so my grandparents left their porch light on all that night and the night after, and both kept a sort of watch through the diamond-shaped window set high into the front door. Three mornings later, the young man came home to find the door once more swinging back and forth in the morning breeze. Inside, his wife had been waked by the squeal of the hinges and sat upright and stock-still in the bed, too afraid to climb out to see if she was still alone in the house.

 

Sometimes, when we were between places to live and there was nowhere else to go, my family stayed at Grandma and Grandpa Smith’s house. Grandma might have been short-tempered, but my brother Butch and I loved staying there. All my good feelings about Grandma’s house, though, vanished at bedtime. Without enough beds to go around, when we stayed over, I slept with my grandmother.

Grandma’s nerves were especially sensitive at bedtime. Even my blinking while sharing her bed was enough to cause her pain. She was disturbed by my every movement, no matter how small—every eye-roll, every deep and burdened sigh that her request for quiet compelled me to make. Sleeping with Grandma was an exercise in pretending to be dead.

“Sister, BE STILL,” she would whisper.

And I would lie motionless, unable to tell in the absolute darkness if the ceiling was six feet or six inches from my face. For all I knew, the man who had been breaking into the little trailer across the street might at that very moment be standing at the foot of the bed, watching me as I tried not to wiggle my grandmother awake.

 

The dread of the young couple living in the tiny trailer traveled up one side of East B Street and back down again. The police were called, and although they gathered fingerprints and interviewed the neighbors, they had no leads.

“Maybe the wife is doing it,” someone said.

Porch lights shone through the night at every house, and these—along with the street lights and natural gas yard lamps, lit the neighborhood like a carnival fairway.

 

It was my grandmother who suggested that the young woman sprinkle the floor of the trailer with flour when she went to bed. They were sitting together on the porch, my grandmother peeling apples, the young woman sitting, anxious and exhausted, beside her.  On the step below, Butch and I gnawed the apple skins, eyes on our little metal cars and the pocked concrete.

“Just spread a thin dusting on the floor, like you would on the bottom of a cake pan,” Grandma said.

I looked up at her, shocked at the thought of purposely tossing flour onto the floor.

“Then maybe you can tell by the footprints who it is,” she said, “but probably not. You can sure tell what he’s up to, though.”

 

For a few mornings after that, the wife’s first chore every day was to sweep the undisturbed flour up off the floor. Then, just after daybreak on the fourth morning, my grandmother drew the curtains of the big picture window. She could plainly see, even from across the street, the open trailer door and the absence of the young husband’s car in the drive.

“Raymond! Come quick!”

They hurried across the street and stopped at the stoop, confused to find that the flour was undisturbed. Grandma called out for the young woman.

“This beats all I ever seen,” my grandmother said, and reached for the knob to climb up the wooden steps and into the darkened kitchen.

She stopped with one foot on the bottom step and one still on the ground.

“Why, look here,” she said. “This door is still locked.”

The young woman appeared in the doorway.

“Girl! Have you not been pulling this door to at night? You’ve got to pull it shut until it closes tight or you might as well leave it wide open.”

 

The night my husband Carroll left me, he threw open the door with force enough to make it bounce back on its hinges. He leapt off the porch and onto the stoop, taking the last two steps in one great gazelle-legged stride. I watched him sprint across the yard to the road where his truck was parked and as he ran, a car cruised slowly by. When the car on the street was positioned in line with Carroll, I lost his every detail. The headlights cast him, instead, in inky silhouette. For the briefest moment, while poised mid-stride and mid-air, he was stock still. Time stopped, and I couldn’t have said for sure if he was running away or toward me.

For a while after he left, I didn’t sleep. Hannah, who was ten, started sleeping in the bed with me. My aunt had given us a kitten who liked to nap in the crook of my knee, and I brought the dog into the house and up into the bed with us. Girl, cat, and dog stayed in my bed for two years, but it seemed to be a great many more than that before I was able to sleep again.

 

I dreamed that Carroll came to my bed. I felt him spooned up behind me, just as I have in the past been aware of a sleeping kiss or a caress before waking. I reached for the lamp and rolled over in bed, surprised to find him there.

He squinted against the light, and after a few seconds rolled over and brought one arm up to lay it over his eyes, palm up, fingers open.

I give, he seemed to say.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, sitting up. “How did you get in?”

He sighed and sat upright, swinging his feet onto the floor. He rubbed his head briskly with both hands and I watched his back—freckled and smooth, wide between the shoulders and narrow at the waist—ripple with the motion.

“Carroll?

He stood and stepped into his jeans, zipping them, but neglecting the button. Then he walked around and sat at the foot of the bed. He reached out and placed his hand on my ankle.

“Try not to be afraid,” he said. “It’s only me.”

There was a phone in my hand and so I dialed 911, feeling as I did that I was the one who must have done something wrong.

 

When the police arrived, they found him still sitting at the foot of the bed. He stood when they asked him to, and he placed both hands behind his back so that they could fasten the handcuffs. Then they led him, barefooted, down the stairs and out into the street.

“I don’t understand,” I said to their backs. “Why is he here? Ask him how he got in!”

Carroll didn’t look at me as they loaded him into the back of the cruiser. I watched the police car turn around in the parking lot, and kept watching as it turned onto the street and disappeared over the rise.

When I turned to go back inside I saw Carroll, standing barefoot in the living room.

“I came because you let me,” he said.

“You let me in.”

 

 

Deb Moore‘s work has appeared in AY Magazine, Harvest, Nebo, Mundane Jane, Nuclear Fiction, Recession Fabulous, The ATU Writer, and Tales of the South, in addition to contributions to titles from the lifestyle and instructional publisher, Leisure Arts. She teaches writing at the University of Central Arkansas.

 

“On Hauntedness” by Matt Hart

On Hauntedness (image)
“Collecting the Wild I” by Suzanne Stryk

Looking back through the history of poetry, many of our great writers have been described as haunted (Coleridge, Berryman, Plath, etc). If not haunted by actual ghosts (or witches or demons or God), they were at least haunted by their own desires, contradictions, inconsistencies, successes, and failures.

Haunted poems (whether or not they are written by haunted poets) fuse with our imagination and become something well beyond the sum of their parts. But how does one define hauntedness as it relates to poetry and language? What’s the difference between a poem we read and like and one that becomes fused with our imagination in a way that unsettles and prods and cajoles us? How does the transference happen? How does a poet connect with his or her reader in this intense way? Is there some key to making a poem more haunted? Ambiguity? A missing puzzle piece? Automatic writing?

To explore these questions, we’ll examine a few works for their hauntedness and see if the ghosts of these poems translate into something we can use in our own work—something useful to “haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights.”

First, I’d like to propose and consider a few definitions. Hauntedness is the manifestation of the thing behind the poem (or poet) that makes it impossible, that makes writing a poem a nearly supernatural act. (By impossible I mean something like: irreducible to a set of articulable, rational gestures, motifs, or reproducible machine parts.)

Hauntedness is the most important, unsayable, unpinnable (to the butterfly wall) piece of what relates the poem to the poet. It is “that quality of witnessing something that eludes description— glimpses, the idea of seeing something elliptically,” says poet Matthew Guenette, and he believes childhood memories are a good example: “…one kid hitting another with a brick; something dangerous ducking in and out of the trees in the woods across the road; a ghostly reflection in the windows on my mother’s porch a few weeks after my stepfather’s death.”

So hauntedness in literature could be the perceptible presence of an absence, the Frankensteined breath in the poem’s structure that leads us to its ontology, the metaphysical building blocks of its reality, the ghost in the machinery that makes it alive.

“Hauntedness,” says poet Nick Sturm, is the “breath of life behind the words.” It is the witch behind the craft. Robert Bly, in his essay, “A Wrong Turning in American Poetry,” puts it this way, “A human body, just dead, is very like a living body except that it no longer contains something that was invisible anyway. In a poem, as in a human body, what is invisible makes all the difference. The presence of poetry in words is extremely mysterious.”

We can’t get to the invisible foundation of being, which is why we need poems in the first place. With poetry we have to fill in the blanks and imagine new ones. We have to “live in the gaps and walk or dance along the cliff edge in the dark” (Alexis Orgera).

As writers—working and reworking the same subject, the same form, the same set of aesthetic concerns—we never quite get to the meaning deferred, never quite say it right or exhaust its possibilities.

The really interesting thing about this sort of failure is that it’s existential. Trying over and over again to say the unsayable is a clear indication that we aren’t dead. I write, therefore I am. I read the same poem for the two hundredth time, and even though I’m unsettled by it, even though I never quite get it, my failure—the missing piece of the puzzle, the mystery, the disquietude— points the way toward a next time. I begin again. I’m in shock or in awe. I am ALIVE! Poems that boil down to a clearly connected set of finely machined parts aren’t nearly as interesting. As Dean Young puts it, “[In poetry] We’re trying to make birds, not birdhouses.” So as readers and writers we’re trying to get at what animates the bird, the music in its heart.

Hauntedness ranges backward into the past and forward into the future. I am the ghost of my own future self—and eventually the self that was and is no more. Time passes, life happens, we get old. The owl comes to take us. The house settles in an inexplicable way. No more dog. To be haunted, then, is a quality of existence, since as far as I can tell, the dead don’t haunt the dead, only the living. Therefore, if you’re haunted by something, you’re still breathing. It’s one of the ways of being sure you’re still not NOT (at least not in any significant sense), because you have a consciousness, a “you” to write home to.

~

A man has reached middle age when he is haunted by his youth and also by his death.

~

As poets we have an opportunity to capitalize on both the loss of the past and the dread of the future, as a way to turn both into something cathartic and hopeful in the present. But hauntedness is the unsettling quality of all this, our recognition that life, meaning, the whole wild mess of nonlinear, non-rational bullshit is impossibly irresolvable.

Of all the poems I’ve read and liked, perhaps 50 have become fused with my imagination, entangled with my life, my writing, and my teaching to the point that they define me in ways that I probably couldn’t identify or explain. How does such a transference of spirit—an entangledness of writer, poem, and reader—occur? It occurs in defiance of rational thought, of our knowing better—or knowing at all.

The poems that stick with us are the ones we never entirely figure out. They are unsettling and electrifying. They radiate, rather than delineate, meaning. At the heart of every haunted poem is a mysterious something, a living, strange and unfathomable—even supernatural—secret. Their energy never dissipates, and they come to resemble not just poems, but POETRY.

POETRY: the language of ghosts that activates and conjures the ancestry of words via non- rational imaginative play, music, association, and rule breaking. This galvanization of the otherworldliness of language is the spirit of what we do as writers and what we encounter and hold onto as readers.

~

To write a powerful poem is to cast a powerful spell, and to read one is to come under its influence, to be haunted by its charms and/or its curses. Poems catch us with the incantatory witchiness of words, of sound as much as sense. “The slightest loss of attention leads to death,” said Frank O’Hara. And yet, as readers and writers, what a thrill to be so taken. The suspense is killing me. Let’s look at a poem.

 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA
by Noelle Kocot

Here in this room I slept in
As you lay dead and alone
After you died, while I, superstitious
Peasant, slept, slept through
Phone call after phone call from
Detective after detective, finally
Waking to Daniel’s simple and beatific
Damon’s dead, and me waking up
Lizzette, breaking the news,
Making arrangements like a cop
Or fireman, taking a few minutes
To say I love you to the morning sky,
I still have never let anyone see me cry.
Never having been one of the fully
Living, I live, half of me in
A cornfield filled with skyscrapers,
Half of me in that place we are
Before we’re born and after we die.
Tonight I was outside thinking
Of that holy drunken terror
Jackson Pollock. Fuck you, moon,
He’d shout and cry. A big dog
Came running up to me and his owner
Shouted, Jackson, come back here.
You my teacher, died unknown
And there’s nothing for me to do
About it right now except to write
Your legacy no matter how inept
I can be. My phone rings.
I slide across pink ice to get it.
The splotched cat returns home.
When I asked you for a sign,
The fireplace doors shattered.
You are a dead musician who died
Alone. I wait to go to you,
Smoking and breaking curses under
The Jackson Pollock fuck you moon.

 

In this poem, Kocot recounts the moment of being told about the death of her husband, the composer Damon Tomblin (who died tragically, unexpectedly, in 2004). The thing that’s striking immediately here, beyond the explicit absence present in the memory of her loss, is the presence of the absence of togetherness via Death, the great separator, “Here in this room I slept in/as you lay dead and alone/After you died, while I, superstitious/ Peasant slept through/Phone call after phone call.”

When she finally wakes, “to Daniel’s simple and beatific/Damon’s dead” her world has changed, and she breaks “the news” to others, as later in the poem she smokes and breaks “curses.” To wake up alone, a widow, is for Kocot to suddenly live as torn apart, “half of me in a cornfield filled with skyscrapers,/Half of me in that place we are/Before we’re born and after we die.” And there the surreal collision/juxtaposition of the rural and urban landscape is compared and contrasted with a sort of liminal in-between-ness. Before we’re born and after we die is significantly nowhere. Kocot relates the experience of being everywhere and nowhere, at once.

Everything is connected—even her thoughts of Jackson Pollock to a dog named Jackson that just happens to run to her as she’s thinking about the artist, and later her sliding “across pink ice” to answer the phone (now an echo of the previous call, the only one that will ever matter, the one that changed her world permanently). Kocot is haunted by her own life in the face of Damon’s death. The thing she longs for isn’t to bring him back from the dead (she’s too smart for that); what she longs for is her own death. “Damon’s dead” and “I wait” to go to him beneath a “Jackson Pollock Fuck you moon.”

That ending (like all endings) is haunted. Endings mark the conclusion of something—“that’s all there is and there ain’t no more.” Is the “Fuck you moon” full and round or a middle finger sliver? And what of the notoriously cantankerous painter having, as it were, the last word of the poem, after muscling his way in via the speaker’s thoughts, and then eerily, coincidentally embodied in the body of a runaway dog? Yeah, this poem ends badly, beautifully. It’s an elegy— a tragedy—presided over by an angry-artist-moon.

Poetry often operates on the basis of malfunction. The poet misuses language extraordinarily— associatively, connotatively, figuratively—to create aesthetic affect, to cast (or be cast within) a magic spell of words—where meaning exists in metaphorical/imagistic terms.

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Translations are haunted by their originals.

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Every word is haunted by its own etymology. Its historical origins linger connotatively. These origins color the atmosphere of the language while remaining largely invisible. One doesn’t need to know, for example, that the word “haunt” derives from an old Norse word heimta meaning “to lead home, to frequent,” and yet these meanings are present in contemporary usage as a trace, an echo, a ghost. Every word is haunted by its past uses, and is also itself a haunting, a visit from the past into the present.

Poems deploy, destabilize, and explode the meaning(fullness) of language, creating fields of connotation, ambiguity, and metaphor, while playing on the history of words in the service of multiple possibilities. These are the ghosts of every line, every sentence.

Words are also haunted by other words, which in turn are haunted by still other words, and all of them are haunted by other languages, and language is haunted by human utterance as longing (a desire to meaningfully mean). This is art.

Words can even be haunted from the inside in ways other than connotation or etymology, for example: the “hunted” in “haunted,” the “error” in “terror,” the “owl” in “bowl” in “fowl,” even the “beasts” in “breasts.” This inner machinery of language becomes part of its associative atmosphere. Which leads me to…

 

A MOWN LAWN
by Lydia Davis

She hated a mown lawn. Maybe that was because mow was the reverse of wom, the beginning of the name of what she was—a woman. A mown lawn had a sad sound to it, like a long moan. From her, a mown lawn made a long moan. Lawn had some of the letters of man, though the reverse of man would be Nam, a bad war. A raw war. Lawn also contained the letters of law. In fact, lawn was a contraction of lawman. Certainly a lawman could and did mow a lawn. Law and order could be seen as starting from lawn order, valued by so many Americans. More lawn could be made using a lawn mower. A lawn mower did make more lawn. More lawn was a contraction of more lawmen. Did more lawn in America make more lawmen in America? Did more lawn make more Nam? More mown lawn made more long moan, from her. Or a lawn mourn. So often, she said, Americans wanted more mown lawn. All of American might be one long mown lawn. A lawn not mown grows long, she said: better a long lawn. Better a long lawn and a mole. Let the lawman have the mown lawn, she said. Or the moron, the lawn moron.

In this piece, Davis unpacks the associative etymology of a “mown lawn” via anagrammatic play and wild association, reminding us in the process (because process is often more important to Davis than narrative, character, scene, etc.) that well-groomed tidiness may be a front for the absence of substance. What haunts the ghostly narrator is pretense and the image, presented by a well-kempt, mown lawn, that all is well. The surfaces (as many American suburbs and the dysfunctional inhabitants therein attest) aren’t a reflection of the depths, or a reflection of anything at all. Davis’s lightly heavy-hearted critique of good clean American values suggests that good clean American values are often a series of moronic postures, a wasteland of appearances masquerading as success, prosperity, equality, and good neighborliness. The lawns are mown. To mow is to moan.

What Davis sees in the phrase “mown lawn” is the presence of possibility, a series of shadows in the grass of language itself—ones that can be sussed out by moving the furniture around, exposing all the dust bunnies.

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Words on the page are haunted by the margins, by the periphery, by white space.

To be a poet is to tap into the shadow sides of us: obsession, memory, habit, personal history, value, belief, DNA.

The spirit comes rushing through the doorway into our hearts. In the beginning was the word. It’s all contained in the words.

The opposite of hauntedness is sobriety.

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There is a concept called “poetic dictation” which Jack Spicer wrote about in the 1960s that posited (essentially) that anyone writing really good poems is merely a receiver, a medium, taking down as best as he or she can transmissions from what Spicer referred to variously as spooks, ghosts, and Martians. As he put it “[In poetry] …we are crystal sets, at best.” This reference to the old do-it-yourself crystal radio kits implies that poets need only tune into the invisible static and interference of the universe and take down whatever is overheard. Poems, it implies, don’t come from inside the poet, but from outside. The great aesthetic crisis, then, becomes how to capture as accurately as possible what those spooks, ghosts, and Martians are trying to tell us.

A related and more useful notion is the idea that sometimes one has to get out of the way of the poem—to pay attention to what it wants and needs to be rather than what we want it to be. Practically speaking, this is a matter of seeing where the poem leads us in the process of writing as opposed to sitting down to write a poem about grandmother’s sock drawer, the metaphorical meaningfulness of peonies, or paradise lost. One way to write a poem is to look inside yourself; another is to listen with your face against the ether. Both prospects seem pretty terrifying. In one you hear voices; in the other you have to make them up.

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To be haunted is to be entangled with an image, idea or event so completely that one is transformed—imaginatively rewired to it and through it. The demonstration of the inherent hauntedness of language is (capital P) Poetry.

Hauntedness occurs (and reoccurs) at the level of the word, the poem, the writer and the reader. “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Even form is haunted and enlivened by its previous uses.

Imagine Ted Berrigan’s masterpiece The Sonnets without the sonnets of Shakespeare, Sidney, Keats, and others that came before it. The family tree of the sonnet—its ancestry—haunts Berrigan’s every word. And, weirdly enough, now Berrigan’s sonnets haunt (and inform our reading of) Shakespeare, Sidney, Keats and others.

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The opposite of hauntedness is Wordsworth.

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Literature is full of haunted and haunting people, places, /images, and ideas. They stick to us like a second, inspiriting skin and reoccur at the strangest times, in the most unpredictable ways, often when we’re “alone with the alone” as James Tate might say (and did say, but I don’t remember where—it haunts me).

Hauntedness relies on memory, especially memories that are fundamentally traumatic or mysterious in terms of what they mean in relation to who we are in the present. Haunting memories are shifty, significantly insensible, irreducible, and indelible. To be haunted is to be forced to confront again and again an impossible-to-make-sense-of image imaginatively. Logic fails us. We are haunted.

 

I SEE A LILY ON THY BROW
by Dean Young

It is 1816 and you gash your hand unloading
a crate of geese, but if you keep working
you’ll be able to buy a bucket of beer
with your potatoes. You’re probably 14 although

no one knows for sure and the whore you sometimes
sleep with could be your younger sister
and when your hand throbs to twice its size
turning the fingernails green, she knots

a poultice of mustard and turkey grease
but the next morning, you wake to a yellow
world and stumble through the London streets
until your head implodes like a suffocated

fire stuffing your nose with rancid smoke.
Somehow you’re removed to Guy’s Infirmary.
It’s Tuesday. The surgeon will demonstrate
on Wednesday and you’re the demonstration.

Five guzzles of brandy then they hoist you
into the theater, into the trapped drone
and humid scuffle, the throng of students
a single body staked with a thousand peering

bulbs and the doctor begins to saw. Of course
you’ll die in a week, suppurating on a camphor-
soaked sheet but now you scream and scream
plash in a red river, in a sulfuric steam

But above you, the assistant holding you down,
trying to fix you with sad, electric eyes
is John Keats.

 

“I See a Lily on Thy Brow” is one of the most haunting poems I know. It is written in second person, and essentially begins with “you” in 1816 getting a “gash in your hand unloading/ a crate of geese.” But you have to keep working, because, the poem tells us, you’re poor and fourteen, and as a result the gash becomes infected and eventually gangrenous and so needs to be amputated if you’re to have any hope of surviving.

This poem graphically depicts the squalid living (and dying) conditions of the poor during the industrial revolution, and it is also a reference to and a reminder of the fact that John Keats was a student of medicine, studying to be a surgeon, and part of his training was as a surgical assistant at Guy’s Infirmary in London. “I See a Lily on Thy Brow” isn’t really about “you” at all, nor your soon-to-be phantom limb, but about Keats’ poetic sensitivity and sensibility. The speaker is unflinchingly, clinically descriptive until the doctor starts to saw, at which point we are rushed forward into the shock and awe of irreparable loss.

Poems remind us of things we’ve lost and of how lost (and sometimes found) we are. As Young notes in his brilliant discourse on poetics The Art of Recklessness, “The highest accomplishment of human consciousness is the imagination and the highest accomplishment of the imagination is empathy.” Through empathy we find our feet with the world, connecting the self to the other viscerally, “suppurating on a camphor-/soaked sheet […]/plash in a red river of sulfuric steam.”

In the end, what the poem says more than anything else is that John Keats was a human being capable of intense feeling and sensitivity, including pain, suffering, love and all the rest of it— which is to say that the poem, like a lot of poems, is a little (history) lesson about our common humanity that comes to us via the demonstration (on Wednesday) of a poignant series of disconnections (the limb from the body, the poet from the surgeon, 2013 from 1816, me from you and you from me and Dean Young from John Keats!). The poem operates on us literally, palpably—to make red life stream in our veins—without the benefit of anesthesia.

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Phantom limbs:

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THIS LIVING HAND, NOW WARM AND CAPABLE
by John Keats

This living hand, now warm and capable
Of earnest grasping, would, if it were cold
And in the icy silence of the tomb,
So haunt thy days and chill thy dreaming nights
That thou would wish thine own heart dry of blood
So in my veins red life might stream again,
And thou be conscience-calm’d–see here it is–
I hold it towards you.

 

John Keats wrote two of the weirdest poems in existence in his “La Belle Dame Sans Merci” (The beautiful woman without mercy—which is where Dean Young’s title “I See a Lily on Thy Brow” comes from: “I see a lily on thy brow,/With anguish moist and fever dew;/And on thy cheek a fading rose/Fast withereth too.). Most scholars now believe that Keats never intended for “This Living Hand” to be a complete poem. As a result, our reading is haunted not only by our not knowing what Keats intended for the piece—since most of the time we don’t really know what an author’s intention is—but also by our deliberate persistence in reading “This Living Hand” as one of Keats’ truly haunting later works. Every reading we give it is a mistake.

Which isn’t to say that we shouldn’t read “This Living Hand” as a poem, only that when we do we’re probably bringing more to it—investing it with more sad electricity—than Keats ever did. To him it seems the poem was a body part—a fragment—a disembodied reaching hand— a monument to the witchery of poetry. The poem is a testament to both the alchemical ability of poetry to change language into life, experience, and feeling and to the idea that the best poems are the result of that quality in any great artist. Keats referred to it as Negative Capability (which, funny enough, might also be a mistake): “when man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact or reason.” No matter what Keats intended, we are fortunate to have the power of “This Living Hand” to haunt our days and chill our dreaming nights.

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Hauntedness is hiddenness. It requires that we be in the dark about something—that we remain unable to resolve the phenomenon or experience that unsettles us. Something hidden is potentially terrifying, because we can’t attend to it—can’t plan for it. Poems that haunt us often create a situation or an atmosphere of hiddenness, a sense that the most important thing is not in the poem, but hovering in the atmosphere of connotation and possibility created by the language beyond the page.

THE FEAR
by Robert Frost

In Frost’s poem “The Fear” from his 1914 book North of Boston, he hides almost everything, ratcheting up the poem’s tension and strange ghostliness to a Twilight Zone pitch. He provides only enough narrative puzzle pieces to make us wonder what the hell is going on, but not enough to give us a clear sense of the various characters, their motives or the reason for their strange behavior. As a result, we make assumptions about both the couple who are the poem’s protagonists and the man from nowhere wanting “nothing” who is (potentially) the poem’s antagonist. The facts don’t add up—not for the reader or the characters. To further confuse us, Frost drops in odd details—suggestive, but ambiguous—and casts them in shadow and darkness. The only light in the poem comes from a lantern, which in the end clatters and goes out, leaving the woman (and the reader) alone in the dark.

In “The Fear,” Frost has provided the basic plot of a thousand slasher movies: couple shows up at old abandoned farmhouse in the middle of nowhere; psychopath appears and kills everyone. As the drama unfolds, one gets the sense that there’s a lot the poem isn’t telling us, and it’s exactly this withholding of information that gives the poem its terrifying, eerie power.

What is the “business” the woman alludes to? Who is the “he” that she implies has come to spy on them or sent someone else to watch? The paranoia becomes palpable. And yet, why is the woman so anxious for Joel to “go in—please”? Is the couple having an affair? Is the woman trying to escape an abusive relationship? Joel could be her brother. We only know that the woman and Joel seem very nervous about being found out. And what happens to Joel in the end? Where does he suddenly disappear to, and why does the woman drop the lantern?

We can make guesses, but the poem is unresolvable. Essentially Frost creates a dramatic abstraction, a gauzy scene reduced to an outline—a paper yet to be written, a lecture yet to be given—which is terrifying. It’s quite literally a ghost (of a) story, disguised as a poem.

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A poem without a ghost is a dead poem, or even worse it’s just the facts. Just the facts: (Are there are ever just facts)? What use are bald facts in literature? One is always looking for what’s more than meets the eye. Perhaps I’m being prescriptive. I like puzzles—ones with missing pieces, ones I can’t figure out.

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And now, to end things—and why here?—when this could go on, and happily ever after. To live “happily ever after” is also an ending—a presence becoming an absence. Sometimes it stays there, hanging in the air and thus becomes a haunting thing. Sometimes it goes into the void, which isn’t very happy at all.

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In this case, “The End” is to stop typing or talking, to undo this voice (whatever it is) using language in a living way to make of it an object, a trace of what was, a sound fading out completely, or, if I’m lucky, expanding forever exponentially.

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“The End” precedes a ghost, so I avoid it. “Parting is such sweet sorrow” etc. Also scary: the soul/mind from the body.

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A longing is always haunted. Unrequited is always haunted.

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“A lack long after”—Pianos Become the Teeth

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“(now again)”—Sappho

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So an ending is always a haunting thing in that it stops something breathing and makes of it a corpse. It’s an event, one worth mourning and celebrating. And while it’s true that endings often make way for new beginnings, they also allow the dust to settle. We get to remember and re- imagine what has already been (but which isn’t any longer) and to wonder where it’s gone, to consider what it points to, and to sometimes, nevertheless (never-the-less), be startled by the feeling of its absence as a presence.

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Now. What can we make of the dust?
Matt Hart is the author of four books of poems, Who’s Who Vivid, Wolf Face, Light-Headed, and Sermons and Lectures Both Blank and Relentless, as well as several chapbooks. A fifth collection, Debacle Debacle, is forthcoming from H_NGM_N BKS. His poems, reviews, and essays have appeared in numerous journals, including Big Bell, Cincinnati Review, Coldfront, Columbia Poetry Review, Harvard Review, jubilat, Lungfull!, and Post Road. His awards include a Pushcart Prize and fellowships from both the Bread Loaf Writers’ Conference and the Warren Wilson College MFA Program for Writers. A co-founder and the editor-in-chief of Forklift, Ohio: A Journal of Poetry, Cooking & Light Industrial Safety, he lives in Cincinnati where he teaches at the Art Academy of Cincinnati and plays in the band TRAVEL.

Read a conversation with Matt Hart here.