“Leviathan” by Clifford Garstang

accessory, antique, blur

The Armani shoes, the sleek indigo-black ones with the angel-hair laces he could never keep tied, were too big for William, but he slipped them on anyway. He’d wanted to wear one of Frederick’s suits, too, maybe the newish Pierre Cardin that Frederick had liked because he swore the tiny black-and-white checks were slimming, the one William  thought really made Frederick look like a circus clown, although love had kept him from saying so.

But the suit was impossible on William, the shoulders drooping wide on both sides like little mutant fins, the sleeves dangling past his wrists, the flapping waist that suggested William might be a spokesman for Weight Watchers, except it wasn’t his weight he’d lost. He couldn’t wear that to the grand opening, but he didn’t mind sliding around inside the Armanis, just for one day, and if it got too awful he had his clogs in the canvas tote. Surely no one would care if he made himself more comfortable inside his own store.

His own store. It had been Frederick’s idea, the older man thoughtful as always even with his guts turning to jelly and a daily joint the only thing that had still worked to keep the pain at bay. “Look, sweetie,” he’d said as William helped him into the tub one night near the end, “this is perfect. It’ll keep you busy, put food on the table, which God knows you need, you skinny little thing, and it’s all I’ve got to give you. And you can stay here,” he’d said, with a weak little wave that scattered rose-scented bubbles across the black-and-white tiles, “at least until Cassie gets wind of it.” Then he nearly sank under the water until William got him propped up and started scrubbing his back with the loofa. Cassie. William hadn’t met her, and Frederick usually referred to her as the evil stepsister, the reason Frederick hadn’t inherited the house from his aunt outright.

And it was Frederick who’d found the empty retail space and negotiated the lease and hired a couple of his former students, tobacco-chewing dropouts, to move the stuff in, although it was just as well he hadn’t been around to see the brutes manhandle even the most delicate pieces.

As William scuffed down Central Avenue, braced against a chilly November wind and stopping every so often to tie the shoes, he could scarcely believe that at the age of twenty-three he was on his way to the shop that he owned, the shop to which only he had the key, the ancient black safe of which only he knew the combination to, and that in just a few minutes after opening the door, no more than that surely, he would be pressing all the buttons on the complicated new cash register Frederick had ordered just for him, to ring up the first sale. His own store.

William & Frederick. That had been William’s idea, and it pleased him. They’d wanted to call the store Blue Ridge Antiques, but when Frederick checked around, thumbing through the phone book, a blustery call to directory assistance, an Internet search for listings up and down the Valley, he turned up no fewer than fifty shops with that name, including one hidden away inside the ghastly mall outside town, and another a few miles south, that looked, when William drove Frederick’s Riviera down to investigate, like it had been somebody’s garage, converted into a flea market, half an acre of rickety tables covered with muddy tarps, and a hand-lettered sign out front that said, “Make an Offer! Swap Meet Saturday.” But the perfect name had come to William two weeks ago while he sipped a latte in Java Mountain, watching the lanky kid behind the counter flirt with the fuchsia-haired Madonna, worried about the letter he’d received that morning, just gibberish to him, from the lawyers handling the estate, the Richmond firm of Botts & Allen, whose offices had impressed William with their dignified style, plush Persians and early Americana. That’s it,  William said to himself, or maybe out loud because the girl with the freakish hair turned to  look. An elegant, refined name, to sell elegant, refined antiques. William & Frederick.

It wasn’t all elegant stuff, though, William had to admit. Frederick had owned some fabulous pieces, collected over half a century of shopping and travel, and roomfuls he’d inherited from the aunt he’d claimed was royalty. “We’re all queens here, honey,” William had said, mortified when Frederick didn’t laugh. “Well, she was,” he’d insisted, running his hand over the dark surface of the walnut Queen Anne highboy, the gem of the collection. Then there was the mahogany breakfast table that had its own name. Duncan Phyfe, Frederick called it, as if it were a guest in the house and not a piece of furniture. “Let’s join Duncan Phyfe in the kitchen,” he’d say, determined that they should actually use the thing, despite William’s fear of damaging a valuable antique. “What,” Frederick had said, “you don’t think the colonists ever spilled their tea?” The one piece that really unnerved William was the Khmer bust of Buddha, which Frederick said he’d acquired for a blowjob in Bangkok in the sixties. William didn’t doubt the price, a currency familiar to him, but Bangkok didn’t sound like the kind of place Frederick would have been caught dead in—dusty and smelly and filled with women on the make. That wasn’t Frederick at all. When he’d arranged everything in the shop before the grand opening, William had settled the bust into a corner and, when its stony eyes followed him everywhere as he dusted and shifted and rearranged, hoping customers wouldn’t notice the little nicks and scratches that cropped up everywhere like acne from his not-so-long-ago adolescence, he draped over it a soiled batik sarong from that same Asian trip. But in addition to those valuable artifacts, William had elected to display stuff that people in their god-forsaken, drought-parched village might actually buy: Frederick’s childhood rocking horse; a pair of glass candlesticks, with red wax cascading down the sides from last Christmas; five shelves of dusty books, “The Classics” Frederick had called them when he’d tried to get William to read something other than mysteries and true crime, and there were plenty more where they came from in the den at home; a yellow porcelain teapot that William had no use for now that he could drop the pretense he’d adopted to please Frederick, even though he knew Frederick knew it was all for his benefit, but they both had gone on as if the love of chamomile was something they shared. Thank God he could drink coffee again.

William stopped just short of his store, in the glare of the tacky gift shop Frederick had
always refused to step foot in, but that William admired for its clever inventory, like those
darling salt and pepper shakers in the shape of Dalmatians. He gazed at his future. His
store wasn’t on high-traffic Main Street—the rent for both vacant spots there had been too
expensive, one next to the coffee house and one tucked between the tavern and the town’
s only nail salon—but he could see his door from the corner of Central and Main, a location
Frederick had been sure would guarantee success. Of course, the door was below street
level, five steps down into a tiny courtyard, more like an overgrown window-well that
collected leaves and cigarette butts and any other trash that blew down the hill from the
courthouse, and would probably fill up with grimy snow come winter, but the gold lettering
on the window, William & Frederick, was visible, even from across the street. It sparkled a
little, William thought. He stooped to tie his shoelace.

Dodging a red pickup and then a Ford van with a crater on the passenger side that looked like the kind of dent an old cannonball would make, although William couldn’t imagine how that had happened, maybe some Civil War reenactment gone awry, he crossed the street in mid block. He didn’t have to fish in his pocket for the key because he was wearing it around his neck on one of those lanyards, a gift from Frederick because William, who had never owned anything valuable to speak of, had a knack for losing keys. It didn’t matter so much, really, because the house was never locked, most folks didn’t bother unless they lived on the west side of town, and Frederick hadn’t let William drive the Buick except on special occasions. So the house key, the one key William had, until the shop, was more a token of Frederick’s affection than it was of any practical use. William didn’t bother to take the lanyard off, just bent over and fit the key in the lock, jiggled it a little like the real estate agent—that handsome, thick-haired Mr. Lynch who had seemed to hurry through their appointments—had demonstrated when he showed them the property.

A musty smell greeted William (why hadn’t he ever noticed it when all this stuff was
cluttering up the house?), and new paint, the lilac they’d picked over the bleeding-heart
pink because the pink was too passionate, Frederick’s color, and was sure to bring up all
kinds of memories he didn’t want to deal with. The lilac was just right, soothing and soft, a
color that made you think of your grandmother’s garden, which was exactly what customers in an antique shop should think. Or at least that’s what Frederick had asserted
when he told William the rest of his plans for the store.

“I don’t want you going back there,” Frederick had said, and William knew he meant
back where they’d met, as if William could ever think of hustling again. Frederick had
rescued him, given him things, taught him things. Now he knew about wine and music and
antiques. A little, anyway. That other life was over.

“No,” William said. “I’d rather kill myself. But at least that way we would be together.”
That was something else they talked about, how fate had united them when Frederick
popped into a gay bar in D.C. and found William, and nothing like a little colon cancer was
going to tear them apart, at least not for long. Frederick wouldn’t listen to that, though.
He shook his head. “You’ll meet someone, honey. You’ll move on. I know that. But in the
meantime, there’s enough stuff in this old house to keep an antique store going a long
time, and when it’s gone you can buy some junk and sell that. It’s decided, then.” And
William had gone along to keep Frederick happy. The momentum had been too strong to
fight. “A shop. You know, I’ve always wanted to run a shop, keep the customer happy,
service is our business and all that. Where everyone expects you to be gay anyway, so it’s
no surprise when it turns out you are. And I’d paint it lilac, like my grandmother’s garden.”

Lights on. William hadn’t realized before just how dark the space was, on an overcast
fall morning, on this side street with no direct light anyway and the shop window half-
hidden by the stairs. Even with the fluorescents the place felt like a cave, or the bowels of
a ship, and William made a mental note to use the proceeds of his first sale to install
better lighting, maybe a couple of torchieres like Frederick had shown him in one of his
magazines, or a spotlight aimed at that nasty Buddha, maybe it would even help sell the
thing. He took a quick look around, sure he wouldn’t get another chance once the store
flooded with customers, a last-minute inventory of Frederick’s life before the hordes
started picking at the brocade on the Venetian divan, testing the strength of the spindly
comb-back Windsor chair, the one Frederick had never let anyone sit in, not even
featherweight William, for fear it would collapse into splinters, or caressing the seductive
satin of the Rococo rosewood chairs, the pair that Frederick had been given by a friend,
about whom he never said any more, no matter how much William pleaded, or forgave him for past indiscretions.

William wanted just one last minute of respite before he started haggling with the gaggle of bargain hunters: “It’s not quite what I’m looking for, and isn’t that a burn mark on the top, and I saw the exact same piece at Blue Ridge Antiques for a third what you’re asking, and I couldn’t possibly go any higher than . . .” William’s eyes landed on a Georgian wing chair that had been one of Frederick’s favorites at home, angled by the fireplace, perfect for a quiet evening with a book and that awful cognac he liked, while William curled up on the couch with a Heineken. The leather was caramel, and spidery veins had emerged on the seat where it sagged into a bowl.

“Come sit with me for a second, honey,” said the chair, although it was Frederick’s lilt
that William heard.

William turned around, slowly, making sure he was as alone in the store as he thought he was. “I am not getting into a conversation with this chair,” he said. “I’m not. Do you hear me, Freddy?” He spun on his heel and saw the Buddha, hiding under the sarong. “Do you hear me? So please just shut up.” William knew perfectly well that the furniture wasn’t talking, any more than the cozy tub at home called to him, or the big four-poster in their bedroom whispered in his ear. He wasn’t crazy. He missed Frederick, that’s all. He missed candlelight suppers of exotic dishes he’d never heard of before, he missed that awful opera screeching from the stereo, he missed being corrected whenever he  mispronounced a word. He missed Frederick.

He hopped to the cash register, always reluctant to step on the grizzled Heriz rug from the living room, even though Frederick had insisted rugs were meant to be walked on. “They’re not fragile, honey,” he’d said more than once. “Some camel probably fornicated on this rug.” William had been unconvinced. “All the more reason not to walk on it,” he always said. William took up his position behind the counter, turned on the cash register, saw by Frederick’s marble-and-gold Belgian mantel clock that it was almost ten, and eyed the door, ready for business.

Just before noon, William still stood behind the counter. The door had yet to open, although he had watched countless legs go by, legs cloaked in jeans and cowboy boots, bony legs in running shorts and Nikes, elephantine legs that ended in what looked to be fuzzy slippers, shapely legs in high heels behind a stroller. A little girl peeked out of the carriage and waved at William. William waved back.

“Well, it’s understandable that business would be slow the first day,” William said aloud. “I’m sure there’ll be a crowd at lunch.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” said the wing chair.

“I’m not talking to you,” shouted William.

When no one came in during lunch, William looked for ways to keep busy. He took down the grand opening sign he’d taped to the window, got out the Windex to attack a streak he’d noticed, and put the sign back up. He took Frederick’s collection of Toby jugs out of the glass case under the cash register and dusted each one, wiped the shelves, and put the jugs back, careful to leave them facing forward, as Frederick had shown him after dusting them at home. Then William pulled the books off the shelves and set about arranging them, in alphabetical order by author, and wondered if maybe he should kill
some time by reading one of them.

“Frederick would be pleased,” he said.

“And astonished,” said the bookshelf, a handsome oak lawyer’s cabinet with glass doors and white porcelain knobs. “But what you really ought to do is move a chair outside, so people can see some signs of life.”

William backed away. “Shut up!” But when he thought about it he saw it wasn’t a bad idea, and he settled on one of the sturdier pieces, a heavy Roycroft chair from the dining set Frederick had been so proud of because he’d assembled it from different arts and crafts designers—the Greene Brothers, Gustav Stickley, even Frank Lloyd Wright. William lugged the thing out to the sidewalk.

“Ouch,” said the chair, when William bumped it into the door. “Be careful.”

“Sorry,” said William. He went back inside, hopped over the rug, and grabbed a book off the shelf without looking to see what it was, then sat outside, with his knees together as Frederick had taught him, Frederick’s gray cashmere sweater over his shoulders, waiting to be noticed. The street was empty. William opened the book and read: “Call me Ishmael.”

At three, William was hungry. He made another mental note, this time to bring his lunch in the future, but on opening day he’d been so sure he wouldn’t have time to eat anyway, he hadn’t bothered to pack anything. And he was reluctant to close, even for a minute, to run down to Java Mountain for coffee and a bagel, because surely in the time it took to get there, have that slow-witted boy with the snake tattoo on his wrist, cute as he was, make the sandwich and the latte, someone would have come looking to buy the highboy and gone away disappointed. He stood up, sleepy from reading about the doomed whaling voyage, and took a step toward the shop door, then stepped back, worried even now that he’d miss a customer if he took a break. His stomach growled.

“Put a note on the door, sweetie,” said the chair. “I’ll be right here and people can wait.”

“I suppose you’re right,” said William. He scribbled a little sign—Back in 5—and taped it to the door. He ran up to the corner, took a right on Main, and ran back, slipping inside the Armanis both ways, confident there’d be someone in the chair when he returned.

“Did anyone come?” William asked the chair, wheezing from the unfamiliar exertion.

“Nope,” said the chair. “Nobody. Nada. Zippo. Zero. Zilch.”

“Shut up,” screamed William, and looked around sheepishly when he remembered he was standing on the sidewalk. He sat down, sipped the latte and nibbled at his bagel, toasted, with rosemary chicken salad, no tomato, and opened the book again, this time in the middle to see if the action might have picked up by then. “Chapter 49. The Hyena.” Hyena? What happened to the damn whale? “There are certain queer times and occasions in this strange mixed affair we call life when a man takes this whole universe for a vast practical joke … ”

“You got that right,” William said, and closed the book. He dragged the dining chair inside.

At five, William banged the “enter” button on the cash register, heard the satisfying bing-bong when the drawer popped open, and counted the day’s receipts. Zero, of course.

“Nada, zilch,” said the chair. He certainly didn’t remember selling anything, but he considered the possibility, likelihood even, that he had spaced out, suffered temporary amnesia perhaps, because surely there had been a steady stream of customers, it being opening day for the elegant new antique shop near the corner of Central and Main, a location that couldn’t miss, painted in surefire lilac, William & Frederick, a welcome addition to commerce in the sleepy hamlet. He closed the drawer.

“Good night,” said the chair.

“Good night,” said William.

Although the first day had been disheartening, even frightening because it raised the specter of poverty that his life with Frederick had, until now, allowed him to nearly forget, William arrived the next morning armed with a rosy outlook. For one thing, the shop was less lonely than the house. He’d moved so many of Frederick’s things into the cramped store, and they’d been so vocal while the hours dragged on, that he actually looked forward to leaving the echo chamber that had once been the living room of the Victorian mansion and having a chat with the wing chair. Even if no customers appeared, at least he’d have someone to talk to. Maybe the Louis XVI armoire would speak up today. William had always wanted to learn French.

By the end of the first week, though, William was truly discouraged, the talkative antiques being little relief in the end, a steady cinema of bleak alternatives playing in his head—getting a real job, seeking out the brother he knew he had somewhere but hadn’t spoken to in a decade, going back to the bar in D.C. where he’d first latched onto Frederick, almost as hungry and desperate now as he had been then. The furniture tried to cheer him up, assuring him it was only a matter of time, that the breakthrough would come, that he only needed to be patient. William listened, dusted everything as lovingly as he had seen Frederick do it, and even tried to read more about the devilish whale. At home he’d painted a new sign to hang in the window, “Grand Opening Sale,” but it hadn’t enticed a single browser into the store, much less a paying customer, and since it blocked what little natural light he had, William took it down.

On Saturday morning, he opened the glass case to take out the Toby jugs yet again, to remove for the fifth straight day dust that hadn’t had a chance to settle from the first cleaning, when the shop door scraped open.

“Helloooo,” crooned the woman who entered, a behemoth in a flowered dress, with overflowing chest and hips, breathless from the five steps down. She looked vaguely familiar to William, as half the town did. Whenever he and Frederick had ventured out of the house, resolved to ignore pointing fingers and stage whispers, Frederick offered William a running commentary on the townsfolk. “That’s Bobby Cabe, a drunken old backwoodsman who tried to pick a fight with me once because he thought I was staring at him, not that I’d be the least bit interested in him even if he were the last fag on earth. Now he’s just belligerent and babbles on about fairies, and it’s not me he’s talking about, I’m reasonably sure. That one over there is Mildred Rutledge, from the high school. From what I hear, she’s fond of young boys, so you better look out. And that one, the one with the white hair bent over double like she’s looking for a dime, that’s Henrietta Doak. She’s ninety years old and still drives herself around in her late husband’s Cadillac, so when you see her coming, best get out of the way.” William wasn’t sure if this woman was one Frederick had described, but he wouldn’t have been able to remember anyway, despite her eye-popping girth, caught up as he was in the excitement of having his first customer.

In his haste, he dropped the smallest Toby jug on the glass shelf, and gasped when the handle, a delicate, gray thing in the shape of a dolphin, or a whale maybe, or at any rate some big fish, rolled away, sheered clean from the face that made up the body of the jug, apparently a seafarer of some sort, William couldn’t tell. A mental note to glue the fish back on, and William donned his widest smile, stuck out his hand as Frederick had suggested even with the most unlikely buyers, and this woman looked as likely as William could imagine, and welcomed the giantess into the shop. Mrs. Benson, as it turned out.

“I knew Frederick,” she said in a low, sympathetic voice, as if they were at the funeral, although that had been over a month ago, early October, and no one from town had been there except the lesbian couple who ran a candle and macramé shop out on Sparksburg Pike, and a handful of Frederick’s former students. “He might not have known me, though,” she admitted. “My boy Joshua was in his literature class for a while, but we put a stop to that when we heard.” Heard what, William wanted to ask, but even around Frederick, gentle, patient Frederick, he’d been afraid to ask questions because it seemed like the answer was always something he was supposed to have known in the first place but, he usually rationalized, he’d been too busy just surviving to learn. His confusion must have been scrawled on his face, because Mrs. Benson whispered, in a pitying voice that said, as clearly as if the words had come out of that cavernous mouth, “don’t tell me you didn’t know,” along with the words she actually spoke: “About his illness.”

Oh, that. He had cancer, it wasn’t the other, William longed to say, looked over at the wing chair, the most outspoken of the collection, and shook his head, silently apologizing.

“Is there something in particular you’re looking for, Mrs. Benson?” That’s what Frederick had told him to say, wasn’t it, get the customer to commit to a quest, then put the Holy Grail in her hands and you’ve made the sale. Assuming you had the Holy Grail in stock, of course, and hadn’t offered the Golden Fleece instead. Just browsing, she said, so William took up his post behind the cash register while Mrs. Benson pawed over Frederick’s Waterford goblets, and the silver cake server that William really should have taken to a jeweler to appraise, but that seemed too crass somehow, and an insult to Frederick. Mrs. Benson stumbled into a Victorian writing table, a one-of-a-kind mahogany jewel on which Frederick had written daily his letters and lists, recorded every household expenditure, graded remedial compositions, and she looked over at William with stiletto eyes, so disturbing in a woman that large, as though he most certainly had put the table in that spot for the sole purpose of injuring her. William shrugged, hoping it conveyed his meaning, which was, I’m terribly sorry, but I hope you haven’t damaged Frederick’s desk, lady, or there’ll be hell to pay.

Mrs. Benson browsed a while longer, and picked up and carried around with her like it was  a watermelon, or maybe a football, a pear-shaped coppery vase that Frederick had said was Ming but to William just looked Chinese and William hadn’t even wanted to know what Frederick had done to get. She sat for a minute in the wing chair that William could hear groaning under her incredible bulk, ran her fingertips over the cracked leather, then struggled up and over to the bookshelves, and lifted her glasses to read the titles. She even took one out to thumb the pages. But her wandering eyes always came back to the offending table.

“How much is it?” Mrs. Benson’s voice had lost both its ingratiating melody and funereal whisper, and she was now all business. “Your best price, of course.”

This was the moment Frederick had tried to prepare him for, the first negotiation with a customer. There was so much to consider! He wanted to make his first sale, of course, because he had to admit that things were not going well and he’d been so sure the money would just be rolling in at this point, and there was always the apparition of the evil  stepsister lurking in his subconscious, so a sale would be a good thing, an omen of better things to come maybe. But he couldn’t start out too low, could he, because the desk had some value, and not only the price Frederick had paid for it or the services performed in Paris or New York or wherever, but it had belonged to Frederick! Frederick used it! Frederick treasured it! On the other hand, there was the rent, and if he didn’t sell this piece and several more by the end of the month, William would have to dip into the cookie jar of cash Frederick had filled for him, and as Frederick had explained over and over again, that was not—what was the word Frederick had used—sustainable.

But despite all the planning, Frederick hadn’t gotten around to telling William what the prices should be for anything. What did William know? He’d never sold a thing, apart from his own companionship, unless you could count that fiasco behind the men’s fragrance counter at Macy’s one of his regulars had finagled for him and that William had walked away from during a coffee break. Too stressful, too much to remember. Frederick had begun to talk about antique prices once, but somehow the subject of his stepsister had intruded and he’d gotten so upset, so overcome with what it would mean to William when she eventually showed up to claim the house and whatever William hadn’t managed to sell by then, that he hadn’t been able to continue. He’d gone downhill fast after that, barely able to speak, too weak to leave the house, too horrified by his appearance to allow visitors. And now William was on his own.

He opened a notebook, a black three-ring binder, and looked for the writing table on the list. Frederick had made the list years ago for insurance purposes, and when they were going through his papers, near the end, he had discovered it and handed it to William. “Perfect,” he’d said, in a breathless gasp. “An inventory. Just what you need, my boy.” And William had put the list in the binder, a dusty torn thing he’d found in the attic, and had decided that the values assigned for insurance purposes surely were the least he should try to get for each item. Hadn’t Frederick called it perfect? He ran his finger down the page to the writing table, then across the row to the value, and closed the book. But wait, he thought, that’s where I should end up, so I’ll add a little for bargaining purposes, and then I’ll give her a discount and we’ll all be happy.

“Because you are such a delightful woman, I could let you have this darling table,” William began, imitating as best he could the warble Frederick had demonstrated repeatedly, and remembering what Frederick had said about flattering both the customer and the purchase, to make them think they were made for each other, “for five thousand five hundred dollars.” The woman’s jaw dropped. Comically, William thought. He wondered what he’d done wrong.

“You’re joking, of course,” she said, recovering, laughing even.

Was the price absurdly low? It seemed expensive to William, but then he’d never lived in the world of objects until he’d met Frederick. For years, after running away from his mother and stepfather’s home in New Jersey, his older brother already free, off in the Army, the only thing on his mind had been food and shelter, and sometimes getting high, and after awhile even food and shelter receded in importance. But then Frederick had rescued him and brought him home to the country and the house filled with curio cabinets, lace tablecloths, real china plates, engraved silverware. Frederick had tried to teach him, but there was only so much a boy could absorb. How could he know the real value? Too low? Or was the price too high? That must be it, William realized. Frederick wouldn’t have put a low value on the insurance forms, even William understood that, when he stopped to think about it. He might have inflated the value a tiny bit, right?

“I could consider a discount,” William said, reciting the dialogue he’d learned from his lover, his mentor and savior. “One shouldn’t really bargain with the customer,” Frederick had insisted. “Bargaining is so … tacky. But one may offer a discount. A special price. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

“I bet you could,” said the leviathan, and ran her bloated finger over the table one more time. “I’ll give you fifty bucks for it. And that’s because I hit the jackpot at bingo last night.” She pulled a wad of bills from her purse and counted out two twenties and ten wrinkled ones. William hesitated, felt Frederick pushing him to take it, heard the armoire whispering that rent day was just around the corner, actually lifted his hand to touch the cash, when out of the corner of his eye he saw the Buddha, shaking his head under the sarong. William put his hand in his pocket.

“No,” he said, taking a step back from the counter. “It’s worth much more than that.”

“I see,” said Mrs. Benson. “Bingo has its limits, I’m afraid.” She stuffed the bills back in her
purse and moved to the door, turned the knob, pulled it open, raised her foot to step out.

“Wait,” said William.

Mrs. Benson closed the door and grinned. Maliciously, William thought. She reached into her purse and waved the cash at him.

He looked at the floor. “No,” he said. “I can’t.”

The following week, William’s expectations were lower. He’d put the Armanis away in Frederick’s cedar closet, along with the checked suit, the cashmere sweater and all the rest of his clothes. He’d have to give them away or, better yet, leave them for Cassie to deal with. William’s Dockers, that Frederick had bought him when he couldn’t stand to see him in jeans any longer, and the clogs—Frederick bought those, too, of course—would do just fine. It’s not like anyone would see him anyway, tucked away in the dark basement. He arrived at the shop just at ten, a lunch packed, nothing fancy, a bruised apple and expired yogurt, no reason to think that the situation had changed, especially now that his one and only customer, the enormous Mrs. Benson, would spread the word that his shop was too expensive and that he, skinny, pasty little William, would never make it in the world without Frederick. On the way, he’d stopped at the Ace Hardware and picked up some glue, the only kind he knew, the milky white stuff that smelled like pudding, tasted a bit like it, too, if he remembered right, and set about fixing the little Toby jug. That done, he pulled the book off the shelf and settled into the wing chair. If I’m going to be bored to death, not to mention starving and poor, he thought, I might as well do what Frederick was after me all the time to do. “Call me Ishmael. Some years ago—never mind how long ago, having little or no
money in my purse—”

The shop door swung open and a gust turned the page. “Hellooo. Anybody home?” It was
that colossus again, this time with a woman who could have been her twin in tow, or rather her shadow, William thought, since she looked to be just a deli slice compared to the big woman’s beefy slab. And anyway, their resemblance might only have been an illusion, as William realized he might have lived his whole life so far thinking that all old women looked exactly the same, only in different dimensions, with the salon-curled, blue-gray helmet and the high-collared flowered dress and gold broach.

“This is Lydia, and I told her all about how charming you were and how you had some wonderful goodies in your shop and those candlesticks would look just fabulous on her mantel and how much do you want for them?” Mrs. Benson tugged Lydia to the armoire, where the candlesticks sat in semi-darkness. William had struggled out of the chair while she spoke and now opened his binder with the insurance list. He ran his finger down the page, but didn’t see the candlesticks anywhere, which was no surprise because at home he’d found them under the sink in the powder room and knew they’d either been forgotten, or worthless. He picked one up and then the other, pleased with their heft, and even the dripped wax cheered his fingers, reminding him of his last Christmas with Frederick. He set them down gently on the counter and looked again in the binder. He ran his finger down the page one more time and stopped when he came to the armoire, value $15,000.

“I can let you have the pair for, let’s see,” William said, stalling, hoping they’d think he was calculating a discount off the asking price, when in fact he had no idea what number would be high enough to keep this gargantuan and her shadowy friend from buying the candlesticks, “I think, maybe, I suppose, two hundred dollars.”

The wraith called Lydia opened her purse and pulled out a checkbook, but Mrs. Benson laughed so loud the Buddha’s sarong fluttered and Frederick’s rocking horse launched into motion. Mrs. Benson shook her head and laid a meaty hand on her friend’s arm. Lydia looked up at her, obviously puzzled.

“You’re a silly boy, William. No doubt this appealed to dear, sweet Frederick.” She raised her eyebrows, and William understood she wasn’t talking about Frederick’s weakness for antiques. “But it’s no way to run a business.” With that, Mrs. Benson pulled Lydia, whose hand still clutched her checkbook and a fountain pen, up the stairs. The window shuddered, William thought, when the door slammed behind them.

“Now you’ve done it,” said the highboy. “You had the fish on the line and you let it get away.”

“But at least the store is still afloat,” said the wing chair. “For now.”

“Forget the list, mon cher,” said the armoire. “Go low.”

In the afternoon, a young couple came in, a sloppy bra-less teenager with a pierced eyebrow, and a slim young man about William’s age in khakis and a polo shirt, a silver ring on his thumb. William watched his careful steps, trailing the heedless girl. They looked at everything, laughing and poking at each other, “you’re such a nerd,” said the girl, and “at least I don’t have a tattoo on my butt,” said the young man. She called him Donnie, he called her Pammy, more like sister and brother than a couple.

“Is there something I can help you with?” he asked them.

“We were just looking,” said the girl, pawing through a drawer full of costume jewelry that Frederick—William didn’t really want to think about why Frederick had a drawer full of costume jewelry.

“Yeah, just looking,” said the man, now keeping his eyes on William, straightening his collar.

He stuck his hand out, thin and pasty, a light grip, like William’s own. “I’m Donnie.” Now the
girl turned around to look, eyes wide.

“William,” said William.

The girl clucked, grabbed Donnie and pulled him out the door. Donnie waved.

At home that night, there was mail. Addressed to him. He never got mail, but enjoyed the ritual of opening the box and going through the catalogs and junk mail and solicitations still being delivered for Frederick. This was a pale-blue envelope, the kind you might expect to be scented, with his name on it and a return address in California, and a regular first-class stamp, not one of those telltale bulk postage stamps he’d noticed on all his other mail. Frederick’s mail. Who did he know in California?

It was from Cassie. She’d just heard, was deeply saddened, sorry she and Frederick hadn’t been closer, and by the way she’d be arriving next week to turn the house over to a Realtor she’d hired and would William be so kind as to be gone by the time she got there? William sank to the window seat, clutching the letter, pictured Frederick in his silk robe descending the stairs, Frederick reading by the fire, Frederick beating eggs for a soufflé. What to do?

The next morning was damp and drizzly and William was happy to open the shop, shake out his umbrella, and ease into the wing chair to wait and think. There was still room in the shop, he saw, especially if he started piling things up, so he could call those awful boys Frederick had hired and ask them to bring another load over from the house. William didn’t have much of his own to move, he could use one of Frederick’s suitcases and still have room for some more of Frederick’s things, and until something turned up he could sleep on the divan, shower at the Y maybe, and things would be fine. “You’ll see,” he said to the armoire. There was no answer.

He was still sitting there, gazing out the window, when he saw a pair of skinny legs in tight black jeans go by. Then the same legs went by in the other direction, stopped and crouched down, and that guy from the other day, Donnie, was looking in, upside down, grinning, William thought, but it was hard to tell that way, with the chin at the top. Donnie waved, and then his face popped out of sight and the legs skipped away. William felt a chill.

The titan came back, with Lydia in tow. “You silly boy,” Mrs. Benson said, opened her purse
and pulled out the bills she’d offered before. Lydia peeked around her megalithic friend and
flashed her checkbook at William, a narrow grin on her lips.

“Forget your pride, mon petite chou,” whispered the armoire. “Take the money,” said the wing chair, “what choice do we have?” “Cassie is coming,” said the highboy. William backed into the counter, rattling the Toby jugs on the glass shelves, and nodded as the whale closed in.

He slid out of her path, spun around to the cash register and pressed the buttons. Nothing
happened. He looked up at her and shrugged. Pressing harder on the numbers, he hit “enter” with the heel of his hand, as if he just hadn’t been convincing enough the first time, as if the machine would not allow him to surrender Frederick to this goliath. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Donnie’s legs again, the black jeans, slowly now, stopping just at the steps. With a sheepish grin toward Mrs. Benson, William felt around the back of the box and threw the switch, felt the hum of power in his fingers, and rang up the sale, the insurance list forgotten. The drawer popped open and William slipped the bills inside, while Lydia wrote out her check—twenty dollars, Mrs. Benson had decreed—for the candlesticks.

“I’ll pull the Lincoln around in a few minutes,” said Mrs. Benson, and plowed up Central, with Lydia in her wake. While the door was still open, Donnie stepped in.

William pretended to busy himself at the cash register, which for the first time actually harbored cash, but watched Donnie move through the store, examining everything he and the girl had seen already, making his way deeper inside, stopping again at the pile of costume jewelry. He turned toward William with a tiara in his hand, slipped it into his wispy blonde hair and blushed crimson, then set it down on the counter. “How much is it?”

“A dollar?” guessed William, suppressing a laugh. Donnie’s fingers brushed William’s palm when he handed him the bill, and they both turned away. William felt himself blushing now, too.

He’d barely finished the small sale when the door whooshed open again. A young couple—
newlyweds, from Philadelphia, they announced right away, as if that somehow was going to make a difference in any price he might quote them and, William had to admit, it did incline him toward a bigger number than he would have otherwise—instantly moved in opposite directions, the woman asking William about the highboy, then the armoire, while the husband shouted questions from the back about a dusty school desk he’d noticed in the corner. “It’s from the oldest school in the county, a real collector’s item,” William lied loudly to the husband, with a wink to Donnie. “Previously owned by royalty,” he crowed to the wife, when the door opened again and an elderly couple came in and started nosing around and they were all still in the store when Randy, from Java Mountain, strolled in, waved at William, and began fingering the books. Donnie leaned against the counter. William pretended not to notice.

As William was writing up the chair for the young couple, watching how the dark finger hair
curled over the man’s wedding ring while he steadied the checkbook, the older couple asked for the price of the armoire and this time William halved the insurance estimate, told them there was room for discussion and let them mull it over and in the meantime Randy had grabbed a couple of books off the shelf and stood at the register with his wallet open. Donnie still leaned. Oh my, thought William, this is just as I’d imagined it would be. The world isn’t going to come crashing down after all! Let Cassie come!

Randy had gone with his books and the old couple was still examining the armoire and William would be sorry to see it go, but selling the most expensive piece in the store would be a real coup, even at the more realistic price, and he left them alone to talk themselves into it.

Mrs. Benson’s Lincoln pulled up out front, idled there, a little cotton candy cloud of exhaust out the back, and he knew it was finally time. He leaned over the writing desk, tried to hold both ends and lift, but the table dragged its feet. William laughed at himself. You are a silly boy, aren’t you, he thought, the table doesn’t have feet. Well, it does, but . . . He leaned over again and it still seemed like the table was reluctant, but William knew perfectly well what was happening. He wasn’t a total dunce, despite what his stepfather might have thought. It wasn’t the furniture who was foot-dragging. Donnie hopped around the counter, touched his hand to William’s shoulder and grabbed the other side of the table.

 

 

Clifford Garstang has published in Confluence and the Ledge. His story “Nanking Mansion” won the 2007 GSU Review Fiction Prize and will be published shortly. He also has work forthcoming in Potomac Review, The Hub and elsewhere. Leviathan originally appeared in North Dakota Quarterly. Garstang blogs at Perpetual Folly.

“Chickens” by Lance Feyh

 

White Rooster

She lost all respect for him after the incident with the chicken truck, but she’d probably lost most of her respect for him long before that. The thing with the chicken truck was that it confirmed what she already suspected, that he could no longer afford even the pretensions associated with respectability. His wrecked vehicle was there in the front yard for everyone to see, little feathers still stuck to the bent steel and broken glass. Not that they had many neighbors in the first place, and not that anyone out here was overly concerned with property values anyway, but it was the principle of the thing.

The tow truck had dumped the Subaru off in the yard while he was still at the hospital. He could have been killed by the chicken truck, and she was grateful that he wasn’t hurt more than he was. He could have come out of the whole thing with a permanent disability, and nothing would have been more terrible than that. This way she could leave without the guilt.

When he finally did get home, his right arm was in a sling and she was gone. He knew she was gone, probably for good, because she’d taken her pillow and her toothbrush, among other things. She didn’t leave a note. But she’d been more or less telling him for a long time that it would eventually come to this. Frank didn’t want to linger on it much. He couldn’t remember the name of her boss anyway. Bob or Bill, something like that. That was the guy she’d run off with, he figured.

He sat down on the couch, turned the television on, and popped a pain pill. The insurance company wanted to total the Subaru, which sounded like a good idea to him. He’d have to figure out a way to pay for the emergency room visit, but it wasn’t like he had to worry about slow payments making his credit any worse. For now, he had food in the pantry and beer in the fridge, plenty of good pain pills to take and some time off work, part of it paid. He hadn’t had a vacation for years, except for the one time they visited her crazy brother in Indiana .

After a few days, the weather had turned warm and he got the idea that he might go fishing. He’d been out to the garage a few times to tinker with his long dead motorcycle, but there really wasn’t much point to hiding out in the garage anymore. So he brought some of his fishing gear inside and started practicing with a rod and reel in the living room, even though the ceiling was too low. The wrist on his bad arm was still in good condition, and he found he could use it to fling a cast with his ultra-light as long as he didn’t move anything from the elbow up. With his left hand and arm, he could work the reel and manage all of the other tasks required to catch a fish. As long as the sling stayed tight and his damaged shoulder stayed at home, he figured he wouldn’t have much trouble taking a few smallies from the stream.

He had to walk through the neighbors’ wooded backyard to get down to the river. Frank didn’t really know the Lubanskis that well. But Harold Lubanski was retired and he was always out back working on birdhouses. Harold’s wife, Loretta, liked to stay inside and bake things that smelled good.

“Howdy, neighbor,” said Harold. “Looks like you had an accident.”

Frank figured he might as well level with the guy. “Got in a wreck and my wife left me,” he said. “So now I’m going to do a little fishing.”

“I’m sorry to hear about all that,” Harold said.

“Well I’m in better shape than the Subaru,” Frank said, looking back in the general direction of the place where the wagon had been temporarily laid to rest.

“I noticed it in your yard, saw the tow truck drop it off, actually,” Harold said. “I’m just glad to see you made it out alive.”

That’s when Frank decided to tell Harold the whole story about the chicken truck. Harold was so interested that he put his paintbrush down and turned his attention away from the birdhouse he was working on entirely.

That morning, they had been in the middle of a fight about the phone bill when Trudy’s boss at the accounting firm called to tell her not to bother to come in on account of the ice. Frank said it was nothing and that he wished he had a boss who would write the whole morning off on account of a little ice. He worked at the college, where it was his job to sort and deliver the campus mail. The professors would get bent out of shape if they didn’t get their magazine subscriptions and various solicitations on time. Besides, he got paid by the hour.

It was the end of winter and Frank figured what ice there was on the road would melt off quickly. But his was a two-wheel-drive Subaru instead of the fancy kind, and the tires were worn. He’d bought the wagon used a few years ago from a college student who was looking to upgrade. Already late for work, he was trying to maintain enough speed to get up the first big hill on the interstate without going too fast. When he started sliding on some black ice, he figured it was just his luck. He knew not to hit the brakes, but he couldn’t get any traction and he was worried about going off the road and over a steep embankment or
crossing the median and sliding into oncoming traffic. There were two lanes going his way. He slid across the center lane one way, then the other, working the wheel back and forth without predictable results. It was all very slow and uncontrollable. Then he slid sideways, and that’s when he saw the chicken truck. The truck driver couldn’t stop and he was trying to slip the big rig by the Subaru in the right lane.

Frank figured he was a goner.

But after making contact with the chicken truck, the wagon went shooting across the ice like a vehicular hockey puck and then came to rest abruptly in the grassy, frosted median. One whole side of the wagon was crunched and most of the windows were shattered. The driver’s side door worked, but Frank didn’t know that. He dislocated his shoulder badly when he fell out of the window trying to escape like a stock car driver.

The driver of the chicken truck had pulled over on the shoulder of the interstate on the northbound side. “You almost slid right under me,” said the chicken truck driver when Frank finally made it over there to talk to him. The driver was leaning out his window. “I thought you were a goner,” he said.

The heavy truck only had superficial damage, a few scrapes. The chickens were visible through open spaces in the trailer. They were stacked and secured tight in big metal crates. A few of the jailed chickens were making low squawking or screeching noises and some white feathers were still drifting through the air. Mostly, though, it was strangely quiet. Incredibly, one chicken, a ball of white, had somehow managed to escape during the mismatched confrontation between the big truck and the little wagon and that chicken was
moving slowly back down the hill, a surreal and determined refugee. Frank figured it would either get hit by a car or get eaten eventually by something coming out of the woods. He figured the chicken was better off in the long run, no matter which way it turned out.

The chicken truck driver was a black guy. His wife was riding along in the back of the cabin. They told Frank to come on up and they’d give him a ride into town, seeing as how their rig could handle the road conditions. They let him use their cell phone to report the accident and to call a tow truck and call work. He tried to call Trudy, too, but he had to leave a message when she didn’t answer. The truck driver’s wife poured Frank some coffee into a foam cup out of an old thermos, and she said she was just glad that nobody
got hurt. Frank said his shoulder hurt pretty bad but that he knew what she meant.

The truck driver and his wife were heading to St. Louis with the chickens. Apparently all of the big chicken processing plants in the southwest part of the state were taking on as many chickens as the Mexican workers could process and, besides, the people who lived by the processing plants were starting to raise a stink about the constant stench coming out of those places. Now there was a new processing plant in an old warehouse near St. Louis, across the river in Illinois, actually, where there were already lots of interesting
industrial and organic smells and where people were less likely to complain or less likely to have their complaints heard.

“Nobody from my outfit wants the East St. Louis run, so they keep giving it to me,” said the chicken truck driver. “What do you think about that?”

Frank said he didn’t know what to think about it.

They exchanged insurance papers and agreed that the accident was the weather’s fault and that it definitely wasn’t the chicken truck’s fault. Frank thanked them and wished them luck when they dropped him off at the emergency room.

He took extreme care in descending to solid ground. As the truck started to roll away slowly, Frank found himself staring straight into the pink eyes of one of the chickens. It was just one of hundreds, maybe thousands, and that chicken looked mad as hell. “Jesus Christ,” Frank said.

Frank’s neighbor didn’t laugh at any part of the story. When the storyteller got to the part about Trudy running off with what’s his name, the guy actually put a hand on Frank’s good shoulder.

“Do you really think you ought to be fishing?” Harold asked.

“I’ve got it all figured out,” Frank assured him.

He’d tied on a small plastic worm back at the house. That was the hardest part. When he got down to the little river, he flipped a cast into a little hole and immediately caught a little smallmouth. The hook came out easily and he released the fish, and the best part was he didn’t have to use his bad shoulder at all. The water in the stream was cold and it was flowing pretty fast in the shallow riffles, but Frank risked wading a few feet down to the next hole. He caught another smallmouth out of that hole and was feeling pretty good about
things. Let someone else deliver the mail for a while, he said to himself.

But as he tried to move on through another shallow stretch of running water, he slipped on a wet, moss covered rock. Unable to catch himself, he got swept up by the seat of his pants in the current. He lost his rod and the river rocks were punishing his backside, but he didn’t try to fight it. The current quickly dumped him into a pool of water about five feet deep.

He wasn’t about to go back the way he came, so he cut his losses and waded over to the bank and reached for an overhanging tree limb with his left arm. The first limb broke when he tried to use it for leverage. But the second one held and, with much difficulty, he was able to pull himself up.

Dripping and cold, Frank made a new trail through the woods and finally emerged into Harold’s backyard. He must have been a sight. The old man looked up from his birdhouse and didn’t know what to say.

“Caught two,” Frank reported.

Harold didn’t laugh or anything. “Are you okay?” he finally asked.

“I figure I’ll live,” Frank said.

The good thing about the incident in the river was that Frank, though sore all over, didn’t do any additional damage to his shoulder. It was still in place and all. While he was taking a hot bath, he thought he heard the door bell ring. By the time he finally got changed and went to the front door to check, somebody had taken the Subaru away. Apparently the insurance company had towed it away to wherever they kept totaled vehicles. Frank thought it would make a nice addition to their collection.

Standing in his doorway, he looked down and made another discovery – a bag of Loretta Lubanski’s homemade peanut butter cookies and one of Harold Lubanski’s hand-made birdhouses. There was also a little note and it just said, Hang in there, neighbor.

Frank thought he might cry.

Later that afternoon, he called the phone company to make arrangements on his bill. Then he called his brother, who had an old car Frank could borrow for a while. Next, he called his boss and told him that he’d be back to work the following week and that he might be interested in some overtime, assuming that kind of thing was even available. Finally, he thought about trying to call Trudy. He got the phone book out and put it on the kitchen table next to a ceramic bowl with fake fruit in it. He didn’t know if she’d be back to get the
rest of her stuff or if she’d already taken everything she wanted.

He ate a peanut butter cookie and then he got a beer out of the fridge and sat down to think some more. He thought about the caged chicken with the pink eyes, the one that had stared right through him, and then he thought about the chicken that got loose on the highway. He even considered the meaning of birdhouses.

He took a long drink of beer and smiled. Her boss’s name was Bill Cooper. That’s what it was. Not that there was anyone to listen anyway, and it might have been a failure of imagination on his part, but Frank couldn’t think of a bad thing to say about the guy.

 

~Lance Feyh

“The Reprieve” by Dorothy Duncan Burris

Pile of White Pink and Brown Oblong and Round Medication Tablet

My daughter auctioned the furniture out from under me while I was in the nursing home. What feels emptiest are my hands; I was so used to stroking my possessions, as though they were pets, or as though I were blind and could not see them any other way.

The real loss is the shape Ross, dug into his side of the mattress, the worn section of bedpost where he grabbed hold of it every morning, everything on which he left real or imaginary marks.

I feel like a dog who has been driven miles into the country and dumped out of the car. I’m not angry at Peg, though. I was senile when they put me in the nursing home, and it wasn’t until the doctor took me off all those prescribed medications that my mind started to clear up.

Being in that medicine-induced fog was nice for a while, but then I needed to take more medicine just to feel normal, let alone any kind of high. When I think about these last wasted ten years, I’m angry at my doctor. Angry that he would go along with my pleas for more of this and more of that. Especially when none of it was necessary. Well, the first pill wasn’t necessary. The others became so — as antidotes or equalizers of whatever preceded them.

I know I shouldn’t have asked for the pills. I was wrong. Ross was dead and I was lonesome, but I was wrong. I also know that the doctor should have called my bluff. He should have called me what I was: a prescription junky. But he lacked the integrity. Our symbiotic relationship is not a pretty truth.

Peg is visiting me today in my new apartment. I’m still a visitor myself here. Yesterday, I wanted to go around and mark it off in the liquid way a dog does. Peg’s finally grown into her nose. It used to be a few sizes too big. Now her long countenance has been counteracted by a haircut that fluffs out at her ears.

Peg tells me that the money she got for the furniture has been doubled by a stockbroker and acts as though it were an unalloyed good. The words pencil the enlarged nose back on her elongated face. I don’t criticize. She meant no harm, just like the time when she was six years old and locked me out of the house and wouldn’t — or couldn’t — let me back in. I never believed Ross when he told me she knew — at five — how to operate the lock. The first thing I said to her after I got back in the house was “I know you didn’t do that on purpose.” I said it to her twice to make sure she heard, but the second time she covered up her ears and glared at me as though she had been the one locked out. I ignored her, which is what I usually did when she misbehaved.

“I’d give up more than half of the money to have my old things back,” I say now, and I notice there is a note of exasperation in my voice–no, more than exasperation. Anger. A real anger that is as different from irritation as a legitimate pill-taker is from a prescription junky. Peg doesn’t reply, but a hint of a smile sears itself across my eyes. This is not a Mona Lisa smile. There is no doubt concerning the pleasure behind it.

Peg very seldom shows her emotions. I have too often penciled lines in between dots that aren’t there. This is something I started to look at in the nursing home. Peg’s one lone visit to see me. That was it, just one. Not two. So you couldn’t connect them with a line. That kind of woke me up. Not that I, still being on drugs, recognized her when she came.

The nurses told me about the first visit, so I kept looking forward to her next one. I’d sit–and later stand–by the window and look out, willing the black speck on the horizon to turn into a car that carried her inside, just the way I carried her inside forty years ago. Then I would remember the way my own mother would wait for me by her window at my age. And how Peg, as a child, never did wait by the window for anybody but her father to return. Then I felt ashamed and stopped waiting as though it were a hex that was keeping her away.

When I stopped looking, I started listening. Every so often one of the other residents would get a phone call. They’d be taken to a little glassed-in office on the ground floor and left alone, sometimes trembling, with whoever was on the other end of the line. I remembered the toy phone Peg’s father gave her for Christmas once and how she used to spend hours talking to him at the office and my wishing that I was the one who went off to work. He was gone all day–maybe that was what made him more precious, made him the favorite. It certainly couldn’t have been his strictness, although Peg never seemed to mind it. But then, she seldom showed her emotions. I think I said that before. And I have to admit in hindsight that if he had been as permissive as I was, she would have been a thoroughly spoiled child.

When I first started coming back from drug-induced senility, I comforted myself in Peg’s absence by imagining her on that toy telephone, calling me.

Now that Peg’s here with a smile like a Cheshire cat, I realize she is happy that I am unhappy. She has locked me out of my house for the second time now. Except this time is permanent. All right, I will not look the other way again. I reach out with my hand and Braille her face, her mouth, willing myself to feel its sharp, cruel curve. “My own daughter. Happy that I’m unhappy.”

There, I’ve said it. I lived through it. And I feel strong instead of the way I thought I’d feel —
demolished.

Peg is nodding her head in acknowledgment, encouragement. She is cheering me on, the way I prayed she would when I was at the nursing home. I not only feel strong, I feel happy, as though I have reached into the past and changed something for Peg. I look at the dear shape of her nose and of her face. This alone is landscape enough.

 

 

~Dorothy Duncan Burris

“Out of the Blue” by Mary Ann Cain

Blue Skies

Twenty-six years ago, he called from Paris, from a phone booth he’d hot-wired
for long distance at no charge. Last summer, it was an email bearing the
heading, “Out of the Blue.” It had been almost as long as that stolen phone
call since I’d last heard from him.

I never saw him again once he left for Paris. But he did call—twice—until the
French phone company cut him off. And he did write, a letter or two, one
about wanting to make love to me on his windowsill with the amazing rooftop
view.

The email comes to my campus address, the one that anyone even remotely
curious could Google with ease. The tone is friendly, even polite, like that of a
distant friend with whom one has lost touch, not by design but by default. He
offers some details about himself, says he heard from a former teacher of ours
that I am teaching creative writing. He’s married to a kindergarten teacher
(which I knew), has a teenaged daughter (which I didn’t know but am not
surprised to learn), lives in Evanston in an old red brick house with a white
dog.

I check out his website. It’s the same face, only without the wild expression of
the one in my high school yearbook, that crazed-looking face that, a few years
later took Indiana reservoir curves at high speeds and dove into its dark
waters during a full moon. It’s a mellower, more peaceful face, the kind of face
that won’t scare off business for his freelance writing work. Age has been kind
to him. I notice, though, that in a separate photo his white dog still mugs a
salacious grin.

I’d heard he’d published a novel, though I never saw it on the shelves. But at
the bottom of his email is a website for downloading an e-version of his book.

He’d written in my yearbook the year I graduated and he left for graduate
school, “You’ll probably end up a better writer than I. At least I can say I knew
you when.”

I am just curious enough to write him back. I respond in kind about the big,
brown-shingled house from 1929 that I share with my poet husband and my
beagle with the soulful eyes.

*

High school graduation is a month away when I tag along with some of the stage
crew guys to visit him in Lombard, where he lives in his grandfather’s house. He
shows our entourage inside the house, dark and gloomy, solidly wooden in the
Germanic style of my cabinet maker forebears.

“Whipping Post” is blasting on a stereo with seriously large speakers. The stage
crew guys are duly impressed by the sound equipment while I am stirred by Gregg
Allman’s larger-than-life vocals. The guys pass the album cover back and forth,
noting the tribute to the band’s roadies on the album’s flip side. They are like his
roadies, having traveled an hour west just to return sound equipment they had
previously hauled for one of his theater productions.

Walking back down the gravel drive to the car, he and I chit chat about our next
moves as the stage crew guys pile inside an old Falcon. He is going to graduate
school in southern Indiana to study creative writing. The gravel under my feet, the
grape leaves trellised against the wide hips of his grandfather’s house, the
flowering bushes and generous front porch transport me to a familiar place, a deja-
vu that is also prescient of what is to come. I reach out for one of the grape
leaves, twirl its sturdy stem, and risk a small smile back over my shoulder. Maybe
I’ll see you there, I say. Knowing, with that gesture, in that place we’ve both
known before, that we will, of course, meet again, and again, and again. The leaf,
the twirl, the knowing smile. On the way home, one of the stage crew guys sitting
in the back seat kisses me, but I am still twirling that leaf, smiling that smile, as if
I have already lived the life that is yet to come.

*

I met him in high school, creative writing class. It wasn’t my first class in that
subject, but it was the first one where I could imagine writing as my life’s work.
In that class, we wrote journals. We watched surrealist movies such as Un
Chien andalou, replete with a razor-slashed eyeball and ants like sinister armies
stalking from an open palm. We did writing exercises; we read out loud. He
turned me on to Anais Nin and Henry Miller. He said he taped words that he
liked to his wall, unusual words like fritillary. He was also an actor and director,
in charge of stage crew for school productions but also director of his own
shows.

Word had it that he was dating the leading lady in his fall show, a cheerleader
who aspired to be the next Melissa Manchester. “Dating” wasn’t the word for
it, though. Two students was dating. A teacher and a student was something
else.

He read my journals for class and made brief notes in the margins, encouraging
me to keep writing. After he’d read a few weeks’ entries, he asked me to stay
after class one day, then offered to tutor me privately. Together, we would
read Nin and Miller, Durrell, Artaud, and all the other writers mingling in that pre-
Hilter Parisian café scene.

When I stopped by his classroom one afternoon, the cheerleader was there,
and they were laughing, leaning into each other, like they shared some secret.
Later, when he asked me why I had left, I said I felt like I was inside a
boudoir. He laughed, that crazy howl that was his trademark. I always
wondered if that was his real laugh or if he was acting; it seemed too big to be
real. After I turned him down, claiming I was too busy with speech team and
the school newspaper and my AP English class to take the time for tutoring,
and after he tried to persuade me to rethink my priorities, I started to fantasize
about him, about him and the cheerleader, about him and me and an
opportunity that I could not put into words.

The rumors about him and the cheerleader continued into the spring. She
played Lola in the annual musical, “Damn Yankees.” I shared the role of
reporter Gloria Thorpe with another girl until the cheerleader came down with
inflamed vocal chords two weeks before the show, and I was asked to take
over her role. I’d never sung in front of anyone before, and although I had
done bit parts in other shows, I’d never played a lead. She wrote me a
handwritten note, encouraging me to act like a cat onstage, to help me get into
Lola. I hated her for writing me. It was the kind of advice he’d have given, had
I let him. I never answered her. I was furious with him but instead turned my
scorn on her.

He, on the other hand, was all the more attractive for being so outrageously,
intensely, and inappropriately involved with a high school student (if the rumors
were, in fact, correct—I never did ask him). I wanted what she wanted. I
wanted to be noticed, admired, talented, a star. Other girls in school were
rumored to have done the same as her, slept with male teachers for reasons I
was only just beginning to understand.

I never acted again. I never sang again. But I kept writing–in my journal,
stories and poems. I read the writers he wanted me to read, and the writing
of their friends and lovers, reading my way into other worlds more passionate
and stormy than anything I alone had ever imagined.

I haven’t spoken to him in nearly three years when he comes into the small café
where I work as a cook, across town from the university. Only this afternoon I’m
also waiting tables, covering for an absent server. I greet him to take his order.
He’s with a friend. They laugh and joke. I push at the bandanna that holds back
my hair and tug at my cut-off shorts, feeling sweaty and unattractive.

I tell him I thought he’d left town, graduated. He says he’s visiting before he leaves
for Paris.

Even though fall classes have started, the steamy southern Indiana air lulls me
into believing it is still summer, and I have all the time in the world. Three years
collapse into three days. We joke and laugh and say nothing about the years of
silence between us. I bring them German beer in brown bottles and bratwurst I
spear from a pot of boiling beer and wedge into steamed seeded buns. I am a
vegetarian, yet bratwurst envy seizes me as they take huge bites from their
sausages and guzzle beer from the chilled mugs I chiseled from the freezer.

The friend is watchful of me when I return with more beers, and again with the
check. It’s late afternoon, and few people are around except the café owner, who is
preparing to roast a whole pig on the patio, part of a special weekend event that
includes belly dancers and a band. I feel the friend’s eyes staring at me, at my Ball
U t-shirt that I first bought back in high school but still wear when I don’t really
care how I look. Those eyes are dark and wolf-like, and in hindsight, a little scary. I
look past his eyes at the pig on the spit, the owner cursing as he struggles to
mount it on the barbeque rack, readying it for the fire to come.

He asks me to go to a party tonight. I touch the loose tendrils of hair reaching out
from under my red bandanna. I feel the tug of my t-shirt across bare nipples
underneath, the rub of my cut-offs in the crease of my thighs. Those wolf eyes are
devouring me. I turn back to him, whose eyes are light and whose red lips remind
me of a beautiful girl’s.

Can you pick me up? I ask him. The wolf eyes look away, out of shyness, or envy,
or simply lured by some other sight, I can only guess. But after that they stop
watching me and turn to him alone.

*

The first time we made love, he picked me up and brought me to his apartment
on a side of town I’d not yet been to, too far from my dorm to easily walk. It
was a two-story place, with doors on the outside like a cheap motel. By the
calendar, it was still summer, but I shivered uncontrollably while sitting on his
sofa. I didn’t think of our meeting as a date, as in pizza and a movie, or a party
with friends. We were both new to town, and so still had time to kill. I think he
cooked dinner, but I don’t remember what we ate. I tucked my hands into my
armpits, and my stocking feet between the sofa cushions for warmth. We
smoked a joint, and I shivered even more.

“I’m freezing,” I said, in hopes of drawing him closer. But instead of covering
me with himself like a blanket, he touched me lightly, kissed me delicately,
feeling his way. I buried my hands in his hair, rubbed my feet against his.
Eventually he must have noticed my shaking because he took me by the hand
and to his bed, where a plush satin comforter folded me into its softness, and
finally, I could relax and feel my warmth return.

Later, he asked me gently if this was my first time. “No,” I replied, somewhat
defiantly. I did not want him to think I had been shivering out of fear. The
apartment was dark and cold, and I was sensitive to the lack of heat. I
wanted, needed more. But when it finally arrived, I was too exhausted and
stressed to feel much more than relief that my shivering was over.

*

The party, as it turns out, is him and his friend, and two six-packs of cheap beer.
They have both been getting high, but when they offer me a joint, I shake my
head. I will be the sober one on this wild ride. He steers his Pinto tight around fast
curves hugging the reservoir, serious as a race car driver yet laughing all the way. I
sit in back, minding the beer, gripping the top of the bucket seats for balance while
he and his wolf friend pass the joint back and forth. He starts to drive off a ledge
then stops at the very last minute, laughing, his friend laughing, me unable to
crack even a lame smile. If I bail out now, I’ll be stuck out in the woods, on a road
few drive, with no sense of direction and only Chinese velvet flip flops on my feet to
get me home.

He parks at the edge of another bank high over the water, and they are both
running down, flinging off shirts, pausing at the shore to push down jeans and
shorts, then diving headlong into moonlit water. At first, I am determined to wait
in the car, keep myself apart, but the heat, and the light, and the sound of the
water pull me down the rocks and onto the narrow beach, testing the temperature
of the reservoir with my bare toes.

I know they are watching even though I can’t see them. I can feel their eyes on
my skin, the color of the moon, and just as light. Between their laughter, I feel
them ripple through the dark water as I enter, slowly, carefully, deliberately. I am
apart and distant, yet intimate as moonlight.

Just before his email came, I had been back in southern Indiana for a
university conference. For some reason, I had felt drawn to retrace my
steps around the town, around campus, daydreaming, sweating in the
mid-May heat, letting random memories flow in and out. Despite the
unlikelihood, I searched for familiar names on the mailboxes of a white
four square where I’d lived with a friend my senior year. I cut north
through the student ghettos and around the pampered Victorians with
their gingerbread and high-pitched roofs, following the shade of old
sycamores and poplars. I searched for the Oriental grocery where,
one summer when I was laid off for six weeks, I bought almond
cookies for ten cents apiece to stretch my meager unemployment, but
found no signs of the store. Then I headed uphill towards campus, on
the way sizing up the sports-bar inhabitants of what had once been a
vegetarian restaurant run by a local ashram. The varnished picnic
tables and mirrored Rajasthani embroidery that had decorated the
walls was replaced by big-screen TVs and table tents touting draft
beers.

I returned to the dorm where I’d spent my first two years, a huge
limestone building in the shape of an H. Inside and upstairs, WPA-era
murals depicted different decades of student life on the cafeteria
walls. Sturdy, brass-edged tables still filled the huge room. I started
to count the chairs but gave up after a few hundred. The dish room
where I’d worked my first year and the serving line my second year,
my hair held back by old lady-style hairnets, had been replaced by a
food court that looked straight out of a mall. Downstairs, the snack
bar had been upgraded and the small grocery expanded, along with
internet terminals scattered around the lobby. The brass wall of
student mailboxes, however, had not changed. The granite floor,
brass stair rails, and imposing limestone walls transmitted a comforting
sense of permanence, yet at the same time sparked strange fears of
its weight.

Inside that building that had housed generations of students, my
weightless wandering took on a heaviness and deliberation. What
had started as simple nostalgia and a desire to wander became a
more conscious circumambulation of a place that was sacred for all it
had given. Yet that same place also bound me to old desires that had
disappeared from view but, like the cicadas that trilled without pause
as I continued to walk, were still very much present even after I no
longer listened. I searched for words similarly sacred, similarly
powerful, words of gratitude but also words of release.

As I walked, I breathed in gratitude for all I had experienced. I
breathed out my wish for freedom from desires unmet, from what I’d
lost, from whom I’d known that continued to haunt my present-day
life. I stood in the courtyard outside, where students in cutoffs and
bandanas had once thrown Frisbees and blasted Kansas from dorm
windows, and breathed in my dorm window where I’d perched big
speakers until they had crashed to the floor in the middle of a Steely
Dan song, then breathed out the memory of that sickening thud. I
breathed in the grassy courtyard, now empty but for birds and cicadas,
and breathed out the window of a guy I’d once loved, how I’d watched
for his light to come on and wondered if he had done the same for
mine.

I followed a shallow stream that cut through the heart of campus,
paused on the plain wooden bridges, and breathed in the honeysuckle
around the President’s house. I breathed in the tall, modern building
where I’d taken all my writing classes and attended readings, and
breathed out the memory of preachers who’d stood outside each
spring and warned of hellfire soon to come. Back in town, I breathed
in the deliciously bitter espresso of a coffeehouse that was a second
home when I lived down the street, and visited the goldfish that still
lived in the bathtub, then breathed out the red brick apartment of
another guy I thought I could love but never got a chance to. I
breathed in the second floor of a house sheltered by shady poplars
where a friend and former writing teacher had invited a few of her
students over to form a writing group, and breathed out the memory
of her suicide years later in the desert West. Heading back to the
courthouse square to the import shop where I once splurged and
bought a flowered kimono, I breathed in the memory of a pizza joint
with all-you-can-eat spaghetti that had given way to a much more
expensive continental café. I breathed out as I passed the café on the
way to an Afghani restaurant where I was to meet my friend from the
white four square to talk about, among other things, her son who had
signed up for war time Reserves.

When I came home, and saw his email, Out of the Blue, I realized
immediately that his apartment was, inexplicably, the one place I had
neither breathed in nor breathed out and the one I most needed to let
go of for good.

*

The last time we make love, it is hot, height-of-summer hot. But the
reservoir has bathed and rocked us, and the breeze from the Pinto’s open
windows has ruffled us dry. Inside, I feel cool and clean as a hit man.

The awkwardness and expectations, the hope and the helplessness of
nearly three years ago have given way to a more calculated set of desires.
He will say he’ll write, and I’ll pretend to want him to. I will send him off
to Paris, and out of my life, proving to myself that I, too, can act as well as
he, and enjoy playing the part.

*

He emails that he is starting a theater troupe that will perform plays as
living rituals. In leaving him out of my own ritual, I realize I’ve left
something undone. Somewhere in the dreams that housed our desires,
we still meet, we still act as if there is no end.

Breathing in, I say silently, release me from those dreams. I breathe out
the ruins of my desire.

*

I have dreamed this house before, the kind my grandfather grew up in on
the south side of Chicago, solid, gloomy, and full of dark-stained wood. I’
ve never lived in such a house, but I still know it as a familiar place: safe,
substantial, meant to last. The house I was raised in was new, bright,
and modern. I long for the mystery of my grandfather’s house. It’s that
house and its surrounding property I fall in love with before I ever fall in
love with him: the big trees, the vines on the walls, their roots large and
deep. I have been here in my dreams and beyond. I want to fall asleep
on its wide porch in a warm breeze scented by snowball and lilac bushes,
bridal veil and honeysuckle, trumpet vines and roses. Sleep and sleep,
and never wake again.

*

We email a few times more. I don’t say much about his new theater; I
expect he is working up to ask for a donation. Instead I ask about a
mutual friend and my former writing teacher, the graduate student
who had started a writing group with her students and who, a few
years later, had killed herself in the desert West. Did he know what
had happened? I’d tried to find out and gave up, but never stopped
hurting for the loss of her. He emailed me the novel he wrote about
her, which included excerpts from her journals that he had taken after
she’d died. I read the whole thing in two days, stayed up through a
fierce storm until four a.m. just to finish, stunned to find out she may
have been sexually abused as a child. Only in the novel, the abuse
occurs in a “past life.” When I ask him why he did not make the abuse
real, he writes back that he didn’t want to make her a victim. Of
course, this doesn’t stop her character from killing herself.

I decide not to offer comments on the novel. He has just revised the
manuscript and may have a publisher, so I tell myself there is no
point. I thank him for showing me the manuscript and the insight it
gave me into her.

But then he asks what I think. So I decide to tell him the truth, that
his use of my friend’s journals to tell her story is more about him and
his own need for redemption than about any redemption of her. He
doesn’t respond for two months, when another email arrives, this time
very brief, asking for my snail mail address. No comments about my
comments on his novel.

Just as I expect, a brochure arrives, asking me for support for his new
theater. It amazes me that he would ask, yet it doesn’t surprise me,
either. I have always supported his shows, played parts that were
written long before I was born. I have lived his dreams as if they
were mine. Why would he think anything has changed?

At the bottom of the brochure is a brief note, thanking me for my
comments on his novel. I continue my ritual, breathing out as I throw
away his brochures when they arrive in the mail and delete his emails
of solicitation without reading them. I don’t have to; I know his lines
well. I breathe in, still twirling that leaf, smiling that smile. I breathe
out the red-lipped girl who wanted so much to be noticed, admired,
talented, a star. Breathing in, I am grateful for having survived.

 

 

Mary Ann Cain has received grants from the Indiana Arts Commission and Indiana University Purdue University Fort Wayne for her fiction, as well as residency fellowships at Hill House Writers’ retreat and the Mary Hambidge Center for the Arts. She received Special Merit for Abiko Quarterly’s International Fiction award (Japan), was nominated for General Electric’s Award for Younger Writers, and was a finalist for the Schweitzer Fellowship (under the direction of Toni Morrison) at SUNY Albany, where she earned a Doctor of Arts in English in 1990. Her outside interests include West African drumming, movement, meditation, cooking, and hiking. She lives with her husband, poet George Kalamaras, and their beagle, Barney, in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

“Final Approach” by Dan Masterson

Jasper Johns

~an oblique rendering of a Jasper Johns canvas
encaustic with plaster casts~

“Permit 66Q6391-1845 hereby issued to Nabilat
Productions for filming to be completed no later
than 09/12/01. Access limited to grid defined by
Vesey, Church, Liberty and West Streets, for
affixation of a 70′ by 70′ cloth bearing the
replication of Jasper Johns’ Target with Four
Faces.” – NYC Office of Film, Television, and
Broadcasting, August 03,2001.

Twin spotlights blast the night
Sky high from the bullet-proof
Windows, flicking shards of light
Into their stainless steel facade
That shimmers like giant tuning forks
Stuck in the veined sidewalk here on
Vesey Street. The dark will be held
At bay until the tapestry gets hung,
Its bloody bull’s-eye strung high &
Taut against the 95th-floor extrusions,
Giving their corporate suites the dust
& acrid odor of scorch-blackened tombs.

Two young guns, whose buildings have
All been mountains, are nearly ready
To hang the target, a thing limp as
A shroud, before rappelling back down,
Snapping the hem-grommets to the pitons
They intend to install on the way up,
As they slide handheld willigs along
The window-washer tracks that ascend
To the pinnacle, trusting they’ll hold
The canvas slings they’ll ride in.

They’re giving 10-to-1 odds they’ll be
Down, coiling their mile of rope around
Their stanchions, before the morning
Bells toll in Saint Joseph’s belfry at
The end of the block. But now it’s time
For them to lace on their spirit-gum
Shoes and begin to walk the sunny side
Up, 13 hours before all bells on Earth
Will toll, when the target is hit & torn
Asunder, turning the tower to rubble.

 

 

Dan Masterson was elected to membership in Pen International in 1986. He is the recipient of two Pushcart Prizes, the Bullis, Borestone, and Fels awards, and is an AWP Award Series honoree, as well as the founding editor of The Enskyment Poetry Anthology. His New and Selected, All Things, Seen and Unseen, was released by The University of Arkansas Press in 1997. His work has appeared in an eclectic array of publications including The New Yorker, Esquire, Poetry, Shenandoah, and The London Magazine, as well as The Ontario, Sewanee, Paris, Hudson, Gettysburg, Massachusetts, Yale, New Orleans, and Georgia Reviews. Final Approach first appeared in Hotel Amerika.

“Yellow Dog” by Wade H. Fox

 

Barn on Field Against Sky

Yellow Dog sprawls
by the side of the barn,
eyes half closed
against the dust.
Smart dog.
He’s found his spot out of the wind
where the sun can warm
his bony hide.
He’ll stay there all day
if he has to.
I hunker down
next to him,
give him a pat,
scratch his belly
and light a cigarette.
The wind whips
up the dust, whirls
it across the road
and into the pasture.
A cow
shakes its head.
I lean against the wall
doing nothing,
singing, “I’ll be your baby, tonight.”
I scratch the dog
behind his ears.
He yawns,
stretches.
Smart dog.
He knows
how to keep warm
and wait
for the wind to lift.

 

 

Wade H. Fox is a writer, editor and teacher. He lives with his wife and son in Lakewood, Colorado. A former editor for Ten Speed Press and Lonely Planet Publications, he currently teaches writing at Red Rocks and Arapahoe Community Colleges, outside Denver.

“The Ché Guevara Diet” by Alex Galper

Green Leaved Plants

The way Guevara attempted to set Latin America on revolutionary fire,
I try to shed some pounds.
as Ché counted every bullet before landing in Bolivia,
I count every damn calorie.
as he fought his way out of the jungles,
I’ve battled for the third day in a row
my bloody war with creamy donuts.

as Ché ran surrounded by soldiers,
I’m encircled by blueberry cheesecake.
it is everywhere. At work, at home,
in the hands of guests arriving at every party.
Evil capitalist cheesecake!

as Guevara was ambushed and captured,
I absolutely coincidentally entered a bakery, hollering my bold
revolutionary defiance.
“you can’t kill me! I’m Ché Guevara himself!”
And I screamed, pointing behind the glass, “you can’t sell me this one, and
that one, and that one! I’m Galper! I should fly after girls,

and not roll like a wheel!”
too bad. The execution squad’s hearts are unmoved, their eyes are
emotionless,
and the cruel honey cake and pitiless crème Brule
are deaf to my great romantic plans.

Bee-bullets fly out of the beehive of rifles,
Ché collapses into the nameless pit of Eternal Life,
and progressive humanity breaks down in tears.

Weak Galper falls into bed,
snoring, unable to move a finger,
and the Ideal of Womanhood departs,
cursing and untouched.

 

~Alex Galper

“The Next Katie Couric” by Thomas Boulan

 

Man in Black White Nike Shoes during Nighttime

The sidewalk is mushy with slush, so you shuffle to keep from falling. A slip could shatter an elbow. A slide could bruise a lobe of your brain. It’s enough that you weigh 288 pounds and have bad knees―a bashed brain could turn you into one very large retard. You open the door to your yellow Subaru and push across the seat, displacing the packaging for fast food and potato chips. Then pulling away from the curb, you begin the chilly drive to Gary’s.

It’s a good night, a great night, because Gary has weed. The snow at his parents’ house has been shoveled, and the concrete steps leading up the porch are wet but not slippery. This is a sign: the buzz god is smiling.

Lisa, Gary’s eleven-year-old sister, answers the door. She’s wearing a ballerina outfit and is holding a piece of licorice.

“Hi, Frank.” She has a hand on her hip.

“Hey, Lisa. Gary home?”

“He’s sleeping in his room in the basement. You can come in and wait if you want. My mom and dad are on one of their stupid dates. They’re going bowling and having Mexican. I never get Mexican … it’s not fair.” She tugs the sleeve of your jacket and pulls you inside.

Her family’s plasma TV has turned the living room into a movie theater, washing everything in pulsating light. Sky blue carpet stretches across the floor, and you stare, afraid to soil it. Lisa orders you to remove your boots and slouches on a sofa. CNN assaults the room with the clatter of voices, and then an anchorwoman fills the screen. “Something happen?”

You collapse next to Lisa, still wearing the stiff leather jacket your father gave you at Christmas. “I’m watching Ellen Langley. She has nice teeth.” Ellen’s teeth could be mints. She has the face of a car show model and brown eyes that never blink. Lisa points to the package of red licorice next to you and offers you some. Thanks, you say, before removing two sticky pieces.

Ellen Langley says that millions of jobs have been lost in the past two years. Executives now are selling golf clubs, baby sitting children and painting garages. A Donald Trump look-alike smiles with an orangey tan and perfect hair; he’s wearing coveralls and holding a four-inch paintbrush. This information is a slap to your newly shaved head. One of these fucking executives could interview for your job at the parking garage. He’d smile with teeth like Ellen Langley’s and have martinis with your supervisor at Manzino’s Pizza. Your new job title would be “unemployed, drug- using loser,” and you’d have to apply for food stamps and bother your friends for dollar bills.

Lisa chokes on a bite of licorice and leans forward, as though she’s preparing to vomit. You put your hand on her back, and she produces a nyack, like a cat coughing up a hair ball. She resumes her chewing, and you scan the room for Gary’s green backpack. It’s the hiding place for a container of joints and buds―sometimes the Xanax you crave―but tonight it’s nowhere in sight.

Pulling an earlobe, you ask Lisa why he’s in bed at seven o’clock.

“He was up all night. The turd told my dad he was ‘researching weather patterns on the Internet.’ He was really looking at people screwing. I found a way you can check. He does it all the time.”

You do not want to know this. Images of Gary stroking himself could sneak into your dreams, and then he might try to have sex with you. Two years ago, you met at a diner when you were washing dishes and wiping tables. He came in for coffee and pancakes after partying with friends, and you learned he was twenty-six and still living at home. He wore a turtleneck and claimed he worked at a Kinko’s; he bragged about the reams of paper he had stolen and the copies he’d made for his friends. At the end of your shift he rolled a blunt the size of your pinky, and you suddenly found him likable.

Lisa’s knowledge of sex is disappointing, too. A girl in a ballerina outfit shouldn’t recognize fornication. With her short, black hair and oversized glasses, she’s a kid you’d take for ice cream in the middle of July. Heat blows from a register near your left leg and you slide a foot near it. You then ask Lisa about her outfit, and she says, “I just like to wear it … is that all right?”

“Of course, whatever makes you happy. Gary told me about the ballet school. He said you might–”

“Shhh!”

Ellen Langley introduces footage of men waiting to fill out applications at a factory in Pennsylvania. Snow is blowing. A man looses his hat. Another talking head with skin like concrete then fills the screen, advising the unemployed to fight for severance packages, file for COBRA, and get involved in local government. Ellen returns, and Lisa moves her lips. You ask her to speak louder and she slaps your chest.

“Frank, are you spying on me? Can’t I watch TV without someone spying?”

Lisa glares at you and reaches for her ankle. She raises the toe of a ballet slipper to her forehead before grabbing another piece of licorice. “I think Ellen’s pretty,” she says, slipping a shaft of candy into her nostril. “Ellen’s prettier than the other girl, Diana. You can see Diana’s gums when she smiles.”

Lisa begins describing her admiration for Ellen, and how she wants to become an anchorwoman, a dream she’s had since third grade. She likes Katie Couric most, even though Katie has “that crooked mouth.” Lisa kneels on the sofa, and the TV’s kaleidoscope of light flickers off her glasses. She says she has a secret plan to study communications at Ann B. Bernhard Community College, and then intern at a TV station. You’re told to never, ever tell anyone, and you agree, honored to be part of a pact.

The furnace turns on again and blows hot air into your pant leg. You wipe spits of sweat off your brow and shiny head, wishing you could take off your jacket. But doing so would require effort, and effort is not always your friend. Waking up Gary is what you should do. The two of you could smoke a joint and go out for pizza, and then drive to Barnes and Noble to read magazines. Gary could thumb through Wired, and you’d scan the ads in Shutterbug.

A cousin recently gave you an old Nikon camera, and you plan to take pictures of burned-out buildings and manhole covers. Graffiti and abandoned cars. Possibly a few nudes if someone answers your ad at the local art school. You’re going to be an artist―that’s why you’ve shaved your head―and you want the world to know you have ambition and character. Nudging Lisa you offer to take head shots for her portfolio.

She looks frightened. “”Head shots? Portfolio?”

“If you’re going to be an anchorwoman, you’ll need a portfolio.”

Lisa’s eyes grow behind her glasses. “I’d never let you take my picture!”

“It’s not painful. You just smile and try to look pretty.”

Her mouth shrinks into two pursed lips and she blinks away tears. Digging her hand between the sofa cushions, she pulls out the remote and jumps to Animal Planet. Officers from the Humane Society of New York City pull an emaciated beagle from under a porch. The dog has missing fur and a milky eye.

“What happened to Ellen?” you ask, distracted by the dog.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” She says this and her voice breaks. Her face turns into a pink wrinkle and she begins blubbering. Glancing at the door you swallow. There would be no good explanation for this scene, and you’d get your seventh ride in a police car. Well, technically the sixth. The last time you only sat in the cruiser―you never actually got a ride. The officer took pity on you because you had pissed your pants, and made you abandon your car and walk home.

“Come on, Lisa, what’s wrong?”

“Frank … I can’t have a portfolio,” she says between sobs, “because I’m not pretty. I can’t be Ellen Langley, or Katie Couric.”

“Who says you’re not?”

“I just know it. A girl in my class, Marci Sheppard, she’s pretty. She could have a portfolio and she could be Katie Couric.”

“Listen, Lisa,” you say, taking her hand. “Life is unpredictable. We never know what’s going to happen. This Marci might leave high school and work at Wal-Mart. She could have acne and get big and fat and eat pizza for breakfast. And you could be prettier than Katie Couric. Katie could lose her job to you, because you’re prettier and a better anchorwoman.”

Lisa’s crying fades into mini gasps of air. Removing her glasses and wiping her eyes on the back of her wrists she aims the remote like a gun. Ellen Langley returns. Her perfect diction rattles glass in the room and sends throbbing beats into your chest. The heat comes on, and you decide to remove your jacket, just as Lisa’s parents emerge from the kitchen. They’ve entered the house through the garage, ushering in the metallic smell of winter and the greasy stink of Mexican food.

“Lisa!” Her mother’s voice cuts the room in half. “Turn down that TV!”

Lisa scrambles for the remote. Someone turns on a light, and you squint.

“We’re watching CNN,” you say sheepishly. “Gary’s sleeping, and I’ve been waiting for him to get up.”

Lisa’s father grins. “Frank, like the haircut.”

“Thanks. It’s my new look. Photographers like to stand out. You know, make a statement.”

“I see.” Gary’s family watches you struggle to free yourself from the gravitational pull of the sofa. You’re forced to use a contorted, heave-ho maneuver, entertainment for everyone on this winter night. Still clutching a length of licorice, you slip on your boots and say you have laundry to finish. Lisa’ s father warns the streets are icy, and her mother stares at your head. You thank Lisa for the licorice. She waves with a flap of her hand, and you leave the warmth of the house. Your bald head is immediately assaulted by cold air. A tear squeezes from the corner of an eye and you wipe it away. Standing at the edge of the porch you study the shadowed steps, quickly forgetting the lost buzz. Fear spreads through your chest like spilled gasoline, and you toss the licorice into the yard.

Lowering a boot to the first step, you land safely and chuckle at your good fortune. Then you drop to the next flat surface, and your foot shoots to the right like a frozen mackerel. Yelping, “Fuck me!” you flail your arms until your elbow plows into the porch. The frosty night then spins around you, and a spiky bush gouges the back of your hand. Snow explodes into your right ear, and the side of your head smashes the rocky ground. Stunned, you roll onto your back. Tears fill your eyes, as you try to focus on the pricks of stars filing the inky sky.

Everything hurts. Your elbow screams in pain. You can’t lift your head from the pocket of snow. Time passes, two or twenty minutes. You look over to a window filled with the glow of television, and a faraway thought tells that you Lisa is in the rectangle of light. She’s sitting on the sofa in her ballerina outfit, studying Ellen Langley, eating licorice and stretching her legs. Her mind is absorbing your humble wisdom, making subtle shifts to plan her rise to the CNN anchor desk. And one day, you tell yourself, she’ll be on TV, prettier than Katie Couric, telling the world about nuclear weapons and terrorists. A celebration stirs in the hollow of your stomach and you wiggle your toes. Your blue lips then come alive to mumble, “Awesome, Lisa. Fucking awesome.”

 

Thomas Boulan

“A River in Egypt” by Dr. Les Cohen

So I made a mistake, one stupid mistake, and now I’m payin’ for it. There must be some way out of this mess. Better just concentrate on driving, following directions. Gave myself plenty of time in case I got lost.

Over-caffeinated as it is, I’m too jumpy. Got to calm down. Compose myself. Think it through again.

No, I’m sure … definitely no. I’d never known a medical colleague who was a drunk or junkie. Maybe I’d always had my eyes closed, thought the best of people. Sure, we had access to samples, could write prescriptions, self-medicate … but never outside of an occasional sleeping pill or tranquilizer, getting tipsy at a college party or wedding reception, or a shot or two of whiskey just to take the edge off after a hard day.

No, definitely not. We were cautious, conservative people—too intelligent, rational, self-disciplined. I knew that our profession was not immune to life’s temptations, that some had character flaws. I’d read newspaper stories of greed, insurance fraud, sexual abuse of patients. They were rare. But … never alcohol or drug abuse.

So I thought, until I became a newly christened alcoholic.

It’s her fault, dammit. She’ll come to her senses ‘n come back, I’m sure. Give her time then everything’ll be fine again, like it’d been for twenty years. My life’s been a nightmare since she abruptly walked out. It’s been a month since she abandoned me and the kids. I’ve been a mess; frequent crying spells, up every night worrying about the kids, unable to concentrate in clinic or the hospital. I can’t go on like this. Maybe I’ve taken a pill or drink at night to get to sleep. Some nights a bit more, I think. Yeah, a bit more. Then that afternoon
when Mankin, her lawyer called. I shouldn’t have picked up the phone. Legal terms I  couldn’t understand.

Veiled threats that I was going to lose everything! The kids, the house, my savings. I had to get a lawyer to protect me.

I was crazy with fear and downed a big glass of sherry to calm my nerves before the night’s clinic session. Just sherry, that’s all. Not the hard stuff. Within an hour my sodden emotional collapse at work did me in. Somebody must’ve had it in for me and called the chairman. I didn’t even make any medical mistakes that hurt my patients. That’s all there was to it. Nothing more.

The next morning Dr. Finch, my department chairman, a dour man I’d known for years, with the hospital’s counsel seated alongside, allowed me just five minutes. He didn’t ask for any explanations or details. No compassion or forgiveness was shown. How could he do this to me? After all my accomplishments, what I’ve done for the department? Probationary medical leave, termination of admitting privileges, a report to the Board of Registration in Medicine. Late that night a medical colleague urged me to promptly sign an impaired physician contract with the Physicians Health Service, a branch of the state medical society, to protect my license. I was scared and called them next morning, and signed up. Though I’m not one of those Bowery bums or smack-addled criminals, I knew was in trouble, big trouble.

It was a three-year contract: random urine tests for drugs and alcohol twice a week for ninety days, then weekly thereafter; two 12-step meetings a week; a breathalyzer test before each clinic session; regular visits with an AA sponsor and psychiatrist, and monthly reports to the medical society that were forwarded to the Board. That’s all. Three goddamn years. I needed  a lot of help, legal help, but not this.

~

It had been a long, confusing ride – over an hour of wrong turns, almost giving up and turning back several times – to find the Medical Society building. Though I had made notes of the directions–my handwriting seemed as jumbled as my mind – it was difficult following the secretary’s instructions.

“His name is Charlie,” she said, “He’ll meet you in the lobby. Be there by seven twenty-five. The meeting starts at 7:30 sharp.”

“Hello doctor, I’m Charlie,” he said, offering his hand. A gray-haired man in his 60s, with a soft voice and sad, knowing eyes. I tried to appear cool, as if attending a department meeting. “I’m glad you made it. Your first meeting can be a tough one. You’ll soon get to know everyone.” He handed me a card with phone numbers on the front, and a Serenity Prayer on the back.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not, or into praying. You can never tell when it may help you through a rough time. We can talk about it later, but, if you wish, I can be your sponsor, son.”

“Sponsor? What’s that?”

“It’s our term for a mentor, a guide, a helper in emergencies. Something like that. Instead of picking up a drink or a pill, pick up the phone and call me. Come on in, it’s getting late.”

We walked briskly through the lobby into a large boardroom. He showed me to an empty seat at a polished oak table, and softly patted me on the shoulder.

“If you’re hungry you might want a snack.” I shook my head. My appetite had vanished weeks ago. There was a coffee urn, platters of sandwiches and cookies, stacked Styrofoam cups, plates and napkins neatly arranged on a side table. I warily looked around. Who are these people? Nobody I knew, thank goodness. There were about fifteen or so standing around talking: mostly men, a few women, looking my age. Two were quite young. Medical students? house staff? A grizzled few looked much older. Several wore sports coats and ties like me.

On the walls were long rows of formal photographs of Society presidents: serious faces of exemplars of probity and rectitude. Sitting low in my chair, looking down at the table, I felt them staring down at me in judgment.

I heard Charlie’s voice, “OK, let’s begin,” and looked up. All took their seats.

“As you know our tradition is to maintain total anonymity, and what you see here, what you hear here, stays here. We are here to share our experience, strength and hope.” He scanned the room. “Anybody counting days?”

A somber, young man in a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt raised his hand. “Yeah, I’m Mark. I’ve been offa crack for three months now, that’s about ninety days … no it’s  more if you count rehab it’s five months. A hundred and fifty days. The halfway house sucks but I get time to study, and I’m hoping to get back in school next fall. Fingers crossed.”

“Anybody counting anniversaries?”

One old-timer nodded. “I’m Greg ‘n it’ll be fourteen years of recovery next Wednesday, but who’s counting? A crooked smile. “I didn’t even toast the Sox win in the World Series with my old drinkin’ buddies. How’s that?” Everybody chuckled.

Charlie was looking at me.

“Since we always have new members introduce themselves first, if you feel up to it, briefly tell us why you’re here.”

I hadn’t counted on this. Mouth dry, palms sweaty, voice quavering, I began.

“Hi, I’m Les, and … I … really don’t know if I belong here. I don’t think I’m an alcoholic. I . . . ”

No one stirred. All were looking at me.

I couldn’t say it. I wasn’t one of them.

“Hi, Les,” the group cheerfully responded.

Hesitating at first, I spoke slowly, carefully measuring out words, then sped up.

There was much to say; many details that I needed to get right to show them what I’d been through. I had to make clear that it wasn’t my fault. I was crying, rambling, not making much sense. After a few minutes, Charlie gently interrupted.

“Thanks for sharing, Les. You’re in the right place. We hope to see you regularly from now on. Let’s go ‘round the table, then, as planned, we’ll do Step Four.”

Embarrassed crying my guts out in front of strangers, I quickly dried my eyes on my coat sleeve. I had just begun. Over the past several weeks I probably had worn the patience of close friends and colleagues telling and retelling my story. Now I had to try to pull myself together, calm down and listen.

Charlie nodded to a prim, red-haired woman seated beside him.

“Hi, I’m Beth, and I’m an alcoholic and drug addict,” she said matter of factly.

“Hi, Beth,” the group answered.

”It has been one tough week. First the group medical director called me on the carpet. My productivity numbers weren’t as high as he wished, then my daughter’s teacher called, and it really shook me up. My kid hasn’t been doing too well at school, and my son’s been hanging out with a bad crowd. I’m worried. I had to go to a meeting that night to get centered. I felt lonely and very shaky. You all know what I mean. And … well, it helped, as usual. Still clean and sober, thank you.” A forced smile.

Nobody was looking at me. I tried to appear as if I were paying attention. My mind was elsewhere. Time passed … I’m not sure how long.

Suddenly a stentorian voice snapped me out of my fog.

“Hi, I’m John, just a garden-variety drunk.” A thin, balding, bespectacled man in customary physician garb–-blue blazer with gold buttons, starched white shirt, and crimson silk bowtie.

“Hi, John.” The chorus of greeting.

“You know, I’ve never been the religious sort, but there must be a higher power for me to thank. When my chairman asked me to present Medical Grand Rounds I felt nervous, very nervous. Sure, in my day I’d given plenty of them, but none since my fall from grace seven years ago. He had stuck by me—a true friend. No, I didn’t have my usual pre-lecture double shot of Jim Beam this time, or my post-lecture one either, or my celebratory couple when I got home. They all said it went well, very well, I’m happy to say.”

The chubby, curly-haired man sitting next to John flashed a wide grin.

“Hi, I’m Bob. I’ve been a drug addict for over twenty years. That’s almost half my life.” Laughing softly, he shook his head, as if in amazement.

“Hi, Bob,” all chimed in.

“There are times when I feel I could have been a professional actor instead of a sawbones. I could play any role, con any ER doc, put on the face of a migraneur, the limp of a sciatic. When I’d choose to  roll around with renal colic I’d have to prick my finger in the men’s room. Five to ten drops of blood into the urine cup usually was enough to fool them. Fake almost anything to get what I needed. Percocet was my drug of choice, but I’d settle for Vicodin. Sometimes I’d drive as far as fifty miles to get to an ER. Of course I’d rotate them, carefully choosing their busiest hours, use a whole stable of names, pay cash. Pretty foolproof, eh? I’d even keep computer records, so I’d not repeat myself. You know the drill. Somebody must’ve tipped them off. Then the DEA dropped into my office almost eight years ago, took my computer and handcuffed me. That was it, the end of my acting career. Let me tell you, the jail and rehab stint were a bitch, and it took forever to get the license back. But, now I’m doing pretty well. Glad to be here.”

On Charlie’s other side was the last speaker, a fashionably dressed, graying woman. I hoped I could get out of here soon.

“Hi, I’m Jan, an alcoholic, drug addict, bi-polar and workaholic. How’s that for a mouthful?” A matronly lady with a soft voice, an ingratiating smile.

“Hi, Jan.”

“It’s been a good month. I’ve just come back from a vacation, my first in 12 years. It was difficult getting away, but I did it and I’m very proud of myself. A Caribbean cruise with a friend – also in recovery. I feel so relaxed now. I used to work 18 hours a day, and sleep in my office. Anything to keep from going home. That was after I lost my husband and children. Now’s not the time to go into the whole story. Charlie, maybe I should lead a meeting, it’s been a while. Anyhow, a long time ago I was caught stealing Demerol from one of my patients and washing it down with Scotch. That was my bottom. It’s all been going well since. I’m glad to be back and see all of you.”

I sat stunned by what I’d heard; the starkness of their revelations, the unimaginable sadness they experienced.

Charlie passed around several copies of a well-worn book. “Let’s turn to Step Four.”

Each of us read a paragraph, just like a Passover Seder, then passed the book along until the Step was completed. Then there was 15 minutes of discussion. The Step had something to do with a “searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.” I felt I’d already done that on my own. I had nothing to say.

“OK, next week Step Five, and Jan, you can take the lead.”

Everybody then stood, heads bowed, holding hands and recited the Lord’s Prayer. I’d forgotten everything except “Our Father who … “

I walked out of the boardroom alongside a tall, thin young man. Maybe he had spoken … I wasn’t sure. I noticed his striking gold and orange T-shirt—a large decal of the pyramids and sphinx.

“Did you get that in Egypt?” I asked, “I’ve read it’s an interesting place.”

“Nope, picked it up off a the Internet. I can tell you the website.”

On closer look I noticed the large print running across his shirt:

“DE-NIAL AIN’T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT.”

I shook my head, puzzled what it meant.

 

 

Dr. Les Cohen has taught and practiced Internal Medicine in Boston for many years. His short stories have been published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, Archives of Internal Medicine, Journal of the American Medical Association, Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine, Hospital Drive, and in 2000, 2001 and 2005 he won the Journal of General Internal Medicine’s Creative Award for Prose.

“Breathing Rock: An Alternate Illness Narrative” by Katharyn Sinelli

 

I don’t much care for the idiom “overcoming obstacles.”  There are a few things
that bother me about this image.  First, the saying assumes we all follow some
kind of path, a sort of straight path, and that as we march along this clearly
marked trail invariably we reach a section that has been blocked off; an obstacle
lay across the way preventing further forward movement.  The size of the
obstacle can differ.  A fallen tree, a pothole, a boulder, and there is always
some debate as to who placed the obstacle in your path.  Was it God, or
Karma, or the random calculations of chaos theory?  Whatever the reason, the
result is always the same.  You have to stop.  You have to break the rhythm
that carried you forward and you have to figure out what to do next.

There are not many acceptable courses of action in this situation, at least not
many you would tell people about.  You’re unlikely to admit that when you first
encountered the obstacle you did an about face and ran screaming back down
the path to wherever it was you were before.  Nor would you tell someone that
when faced with the obstacle you climbed under the kitchen table, cried, and
decided to stay there until someone came along to clear the road.  No, your
only real choice is to find a way over.  You cannot go around or under, and just
standing still is not an option.  If you really want people to respect you, if you
really want to, say, write a book about the experience, you have to overcome
your obstacle.

My deepest objection to this image lies in the depiction of our movement.  The
linear forward trajectory, and the vertical lift, still forward reaching, that propels
us over each barrier we encounter.  We have little contact with the obstacle and
once we land on the other side, the trouble is behind us.  It does not follow
and the only way to remember the ascent is to look back. But we don’t really
do that, not for long.

This description does not match my experience with life’s obstacles, and I ran
quite a little steeplechase in college.  Freshman year I had cancer, sophomore
year I was held up at gunpoint, junior year I had a nervous breakdown, and
senior year my cancer came back.  I know I’m supposed to talk about how I
conquered these issues to become a healthy, content, productive, member of
society.  And Lord knows, at 32, I should be able to leave the events in the
past.  Now that there’s been a ten year stretch of road between me and that
rough patch.  But I find I cannot tell this story.  I don’t think I overcame
anything.  To say that I did hides the truth of the situation as I experienced it.

I was not particularly brave or heroic.  I did not hurl myself over the wall like a
pole vaulter without a pole, catapulted instead by the stiff strength of my
character.  There was no beautiful jump that left me suspended in the air in a
pose of forceful grace—one fist pumping forward, one back, one leg
outstretched, mouth set in an expression of grim but gorgeous determination.
Nor did I scramble up the rock wall, muscles stretching and straining as I pulled
myself higher.

If I had to stick with the obstacle metaphor, I wouldn’t say I went over at all; it
was more like I went through.  I think about David Copperfield walking through
the Great Wall of China, one of the yearly televised stunts he did in the
eighties.  He stood backlit behind a sheet as we watched his shadow merge
with the wall.  Chinese women in white jump suits pointed large white disks at
the wall to monitor his heart rate as he moved through.  At one point he was
stuck and his heart rate stopped.  The Chinese women didn’t seem too
concerned.  They just set up the sheet and the back light on the other side and
a moment later we saw Copperfield’s shadow pull back away from the wall.   He
ripped the sheet down with a flourish, and there he stood in his tight black
pants and black shirt unbuttoned to his navel.  He didn’t even look out of
breath.

I like that idea—merging with the obstacle.  Then, in my progression through,
there would at least be one moment where I was not visible, being entirely
consumed by the mass, before I emerged out the other side.   I would be
caught for a while in the middle of the obstacle.  The real drama would come
from wondering if I’d ever make it out.  I like the idea of becoming the wall, of
fitting the solidness of my body into the solidness rock.

Even though David Copperfield looked fine after he emerged, he couldn’t have
been quite the same.  How can you merge with something and still be you when
you come out the other side?  I wasn’t.  I think I carry some of the obstacle’s
molecules inside of me, and that I left some of my own inside of it.  I don’t have
the same chemical composition.  I am elementally different.  This is an image I
like.  This is an image that accurately describes what I saw and what I felt.

I don’t always picture my movement as slow and deliberate.   I was carried
through the transition from adolescence to adulthood by the force of inertia.  I
built up a full head of steam in high school and sped towards a “good college”
and the “better job opportunities” that came with it.

When cancer got thrown at me the month before I started college, this
momentum drove me right through it with a smash and the splintering of
wood.  While this image smacks of liberation and the “breaking of barriers,”
that’s not quite how it felt.  When you hit a solid object at that speed –full
force—full body contact—blood vessels burst.  I spent years picking the
splinters out from underneath my skin.

I like the idea of velocity presented by this image.  At eighteen, I was launched
from the sling shot of expectation.  I was driven by an external force; I had no
internal combustion.  Each barrier in my path stole some of my borrowed
energy until eventually I ran out.  The forward motion ended. I toppled over on
one side.

These are the metaphors I would use to describe my experience of a diseased
body and a disordered mind.  They fit.  But I find I can’t use them in  ordinary
conversation about my illness.  Not with most people. Especially not now that I’
m well.  Even when I talk about writing against the grain of the common cancer
story.  Even when I say I think the power of positive thinking is a load of crap,
and I actually use those words, “load of crap,” people still only hear the
overcoming obstacle story.  They picture in their minds my great, graceful leap.
And really there is no recognizable trope for moving through an obstacle, or
being stuck in the middle.  I’m not sure how I would begin to explain it.  What
would I say?  “Remember those David Copperfield specials?” or “Imagine what it’
s like to breathe rock.”  Or maybe I could start with “Bodies in motion tend to
stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force.”

It’s not that I’m pessimistic or unhappy. I’ve been cancer free for ten years and
while I still worry about a recurrence,I’ve managed to piece together a pretty
nice life.  I’m married and pursuing the career of my choice. I was even able to
get pregnant, and am now overwhelmed by the tremendous possibility of new
life.

I would, however, like to be able to tell my story the way I saw it, the way I see
it now.  I am different and not only in nice ways.  People want to hear about the
strength and the inspiration, but they don’t want to hear about the hardness
that develops around the scars.  I would like to be able to tell a more complete
story.  But I’ve learned that people want to hear two things: how brave I was,
and how it’s over now.

 

 

Katharyn Sinelli was awarded a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing from Cal State Northridge. This piece is the epilogue from her thesis. Katharyn’s scholarly work is focused on Disability Studies, particularly the stories we tell about disease in literature and popular culture.